wife tells a story, part 1
Jul 6th
As you may or may not know, Wife is was a teacher for the city’s largest school district. They recently laid off just short of 500 teachers for the upcoming year, and my wife didn’t have the seniority to remain employed.
Putting aside the issues such as:
- moral imperatives to teach our children
- employment and income
- unions vs. employers
- governments running things into the ground
(bitter much? me? never!) this will also cause a serious crimp in the flow of stories from school.
In “honor” of this occasion, Wife herself has written the following stories from the last couple weeks of her school year. Please to enjoy the 4K Chronicles:
So it’s the second last week of school and the teachers are more ready to be done than the kids. For some reason that means the kids are regressing in their appropriate school behaviors, which includes going to the bathroom.
We’re having math and science centers, so I only have half the class while my aide has the other half doing another activity somewhere else in the building. I have five kids at my center, and even though we just had a bathroom break two minutes ago, Angela needs to go to the bathroom. She leaves for the bathroom and is gone for about 10 minutes which is concerning, but when she gets back I ask her if she’s ready to join us and she sits down and agrees.
Not even ten seconds later she stands up, looks at me while she squeezes her legs, and shouts “I NEED TO PEE!” I tell her to run, because most times when a kid grabs themselves and has some enthusiasm in their voice, I dismiss all the rules about hallway behavior and passes just to try and avoid the accident. She doesn’t want to run, cringes, and says she can’t, and then begins to urinate.
It drips down her leg and begins to make a growing puddle on the floor. I continue to tell her to run, but she says it won’t stop. Eventually she runs to the classroom next door to use their bathroom. I shake my head and go to get the bleach spray and paper towels, and try to calm the rest of my class down, who can’t stop staring. Funny thing is they weren’t laughing; we had so many accidents the last two months of school they kind of just got accepted as something that happens.
I start to clean it up, and try to get the kids to rotate to their next group. Angela comes back very wet and I tell her just to stand in the hallway to save face while I try to find her extra clothes. That’s when I notice a trail of urine starting at my classroom and continuing about 30 feet down the hall to the bathroom.
I hold back laugher and tears.
There’s no extra adults in the room next door, but the K5 room has one. I ask the teacher to sit with my current unsupervised class while I try and find extra clothes and clean up the urine. Of course this student doesn’t have her extra clothes here; none of the kids who potty themselves ever do. I ask the teacher next door for extra clothes, but he’s all out. I ask the K5 teachers at the end of the hall, and one of them has some pajama pants. I’m desperate and I take them, since Angela is still standing in the hallway with a plastic bag, waiting for her clothes to change into. I grab some babywipes and give her everything, explaining what to do with dirty clothes, wipes, and clean clothes. She’s certain she doesn’t need the extra clean shoes and socks she does have and assures me she can take care of herself in the bathroom, because (wait for it..) “Oh, I’ve done this before!!!”
Stay tuned for the exciting continuation of “4k Chronicles”
tour de cure! i made it!
Jun 29th
I know this is a week late, but real life and things have gotten in the way. To make up for my absence, I’ll even throw in some PICTURES! How about that!
First off, let me thank all of the people who donated and pledged for this ride. The American Diabetes Association, myself, and Wilford Brimley thank you for your generosity.
That's how he says "thank you"
First off, all those who pledged did in fact make it onto my jersey.
My camera stinks, sue me.
The one on the top is for my mom and mother in law.
Below that, we have Travis, Coffey, Ducksauce, Ed, Semky, and AdamGISWizard. The two corporate logos on top were some matching donations donors were able to swing, so they matched the contributions and able to double me up right at the end.
Folks, I raised $505 for the ride, and you best believe that I did all 100k of it. My legs weren’t right for the next week; I just wobbled around the house like a newborn deer.
Here’s me sportin’ the jersey before I got all sweaty and unphotogenic.
Wife got some pictures of me at the start line with all the other folks who were doing the 100k and 50k.
Folks, I have to say, I did pretty well. I averaged over 16mph for the entire time, and beat out two teams that were racing together in their own little pelotons. The last fifteen miles were not so much fun as they were all uphill and into the wind, and it’s really discouraging to look at your speedometer and see that you’re going 7mph.
Once again, thank you all for your support, and look for me to be fundraising again next year!
And now you can start commenting on how awesome I look in bike shorts.
saturday saturday saturday
Jun 15th
I know I’ve bugged you all about this before, and I promise that the race is this Saturday, so very soon you won’t have to see me beg you for money any more.
But since I have limited time left, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE donate!
Click here, click the Tour de Cure on the nav bar above, click the meter over on the left, click just about anywhere on this page. They all take you to the same place, which is the page where you can use your credit card to donate online (fancy, I know).
You all have been freaking fantastic in helping me hit my original goal, which was $300. Since then, I’ve decided to go nuts and raise it to $500, but I’m not forgetting that I already hit my goal thanks to all of you.
So far, my honorable list of donors (links included when applicable):
- Semky
- Travis
- Ducky the Daff
- My mother in law Barb
- My mom Suzanne
- Coffeypot
- Ed
- Aunt Lauren
- Adam the GIS Machine
All of these folks are getting their names and URLs on my jersey, which I’m designing right now. But don’t worry! There’s room for your name too.
I’m also working on a prototype jersey that will allow people to click on the URL’s on my shirt and it will take them to your webpage, but I don’t think I’ll like being poked that much.
Last chance folks! Let’s do this!
good morning miss bliss
Jun 8th
A friend of mine, oh let’s call her Liiska, recently sat next to a celebrity on a plane from Milwaukee to New York. For our age group, this particular celebrity will always bear a special place in our hearts, even though his acting career has completely fizzled, unless you count the odd pornographic movie and terrible standup routine.
Liiska was not sitting in first class. She had a window seat back in coach. That means that said celebrity was sitting in the middle seat of the row. In coach. That’s gotta be hard on the ego.
At this point, you may be wondering if I’m playing it fast and loose with the definition of “celebrity, and that is a fair question. Indeed, this whole story may have seemed suspect if Liiska had not gotten photographic proof:
Yes, that’s right, it’s Dustin Diamond. Better known as Screech to anyone who was alive during the 90′s.
If I was sitting next to Screech on a plane, I would be so excited, so excited, so….scared!
drop the dime on it
Jun 3rd
Scene: a dead body is sprawled facedown on the sidewalk. Yellow police tape cordons off the area. Two detectives are squatting down near the body talking to the medical examiner. A witness says that the victim was walking down the street when a car came around the corner, hit the person, and drove off in a hurry.
A uniformed cop comes up and says, “Detectives, we found a call placed from the payphone across the street at the same time our victim was murdered.”
The detectives trade a knowing glance: this is no accident.
Can you spot the error in this scenario? It’s quite obvious when you look for it.
Where the hell do they still have payphones?
Maybe I just live in a city where they have removed them all, but I haven’t seen a payphone for years. I haven’t had to carry change around since sophomore year in high school when I needed to call home after soccer practice.
Quick: your cellphone is dead, and apparently all the normal landlines around you are, oh I don’t know, covered in ants or something. Where is the nearest payphone for you to make an emergency call to your favorite take-out Chinese place? You don’t know, do you?
I used to laugh at old folks who thought making a call from a payphone cost a dime. I’d scoff and shake my head and say, you fools, it costs 25 cents now. Then they went and upped it to 35 cents, and frankly I hated that you had to have a dime and a quarter because I never had a dime. Then apparently it went up to 50 cents, but nobody cared anymore because it was easier to ask your friend who had rich parents that gave them a cell phone.
Remember that phone they had? It was the size of three Snickers bars taped together, with an antenna that was about the size of the one on your car, and had a screen that was capable of only showing grayscale numbers. But it was so freaking cool and you were jealous.
The only thing payphones are used for now are cliches in crime dramas, and now that “Law & Order” is off the air, hopefully even that one will go away.
Scene: the uniformed cop comes up to the detectives and says, “Detectives, we traced a call to a Skype account on an iPhone in a mobile hotspot not far from here!”
nerd humor
May 26th
What if Sauron had a lazy eye?
You remember Sauron, right? From Lord of the Rings? The really bad guy that had a giant eye in his tower?
Aragorn: “Is…is he looking at us?”
Gandalf: “Shit, I can never tell.”
Gandalf: “Frodo, as you cross into Mordor, be careful to not let the gaze of Sauron fall upon you!”
Frodo: “Dammit Gandalf, I can’t ever tell what he’s looking at anyway, how am I supposed to know?”
Sauron: “Hello little hobbits, I see yo-…damn, wait…great. Now I’m looking at France.”
Sauron: “Is there anything I can do?”
Eye doctor: “Well I can put a patch over your good eye so the weak one becomes stronger.”
Sauron: “I…only have the one eye.”
Eye doctor: “Oh, well in that case do you at least have an army of orcs to do your bidding for you?”
Sauron: “Yes!”
Eye doctor: “Really? Wow, that’s impressive. You must get up very early in the morning.”
getting too close for comfort
May 24th
Alright folks, it’s getting closer and closer, and I’m still short of my goal. I wanted to raise $300, and right now I’m only about 2/3 or the way there.
I want to give a big hell yes shout out to those who’ve pledged so far, and here they are:
- Semky
- My mom and mother in law (sadly they do not have a URL)
- Daffy the Ducky
- Coffey
- Ed
I have an entire jersey to fill up with names and pictures and URL’s and advertisements (if you have a product, let me know) and right now I pretty much have the left sleeve and part of the back covered.
Even if you just throw $5 into the pot, I will give you my eternal thanks and plug the crap out of whatever it is you want me to plug.
Shut up Ed, I know what you’re thinking.
Just go over to my pledge page or click on the link in my nav bar. You can use your credit card online, your name shows up in the fancy little scrolling marquee thing, and you’ll have a happy warm feeling all day today.
If you have something that you’d want to auction off for a giveaway or anything like that, please contact me and let me know. I’m desperate and willing to do (almost) anything to get to $300!
everything i need to know
May 21st
As you may or may not know, Wife is a four-year old kindergarten teacher.
Hmm, that sounds kind of odd, let me rephrase: she is a kindergarten teacher for four-year-olds.
Much better.
She’s been at the same school for two years now and has had, oh how should I put this, a wide range of intellectual prowess in her students.
In the beginning of the year, a lot of children haven’t been away from home for any length of time and have trouble with concepts like “crapping in your pants is bad” and “peeing in the middle of the hallway is not allowed.” However, about half the class is already able to read and she has a lot of really bright kids.
Even the smartest of children can still be a dumbass when they’re four.
This week, Wife had a student chew a hole through his shirt. I’m not sure if he was trapped inside his shirt and he had to use his teeth to chew a path to freedom or what the case might be, but I’m sure he had a good reason for it. Perhaps he suffers from a disorder that causes his incisors to grow like a rodent’s, and he couldn’t find a nearby block of wood to chew on.
In the same day, Wife had another student get his head stuck in a chair. Of all the life skills that someone can screw up, you should be able to sit in a chair without protective headgear. I offered to draw him a diagram of how to properly utilize a chair and minimize risk of injury, but I was voted down. Getting his head extracted from the place where normal people put their butt resulted in some bruising to his face, which I hope serves as a reminder the next time the child is faced with a furniture dilemma.
Wife also has one student this week who came in wearing a pair of white gloves. When she asked why he was wearing white gloves, he said it’s because he’s Mario. And then he proceeded to jump around the room like Mario trying to get coins out of a ? box. When the student was advised that he couldn’t wear the gloves during class, he threw a tantrum. They reached a compromise that allowed him to wear the gloves during lunch and recess but not during class. It seems as if this kid never takes these gloves off, because after a couple days, they are no longer close to white. They’re now a much more realistic color for an actual plumber whose hands might spend all day in poopwater.
Wife is a saint for even being a teacher in the first place; I think I would have snapped long ago. She’s even sad that she only has 17 more days of class and that all her kids are leaving.
Even the one who got his head stuck in a chair.
practice makes perfect
May 19th
“I can’t seem to get in, it keeps telling me the password or username is wrong.”
“Sir, I can see that you spelled your last name wrong, that’s why it’s not working.”
“Well, how do I spell it?”
“…it’s your last name, sir…”
“With an ‘n’ at the end?”
“…it’s your last name.”
“Ok, that worked. Huh, wonder why it didn’t before.”
“Me too.” *
* I was referring to his brain.
I know you don’t come here for this kind of thing, because when I tend to write things that aren’t funny I tend to lose readers, but please bear with me, it’s short I promise.
Ducky over at Batcrap Crazy recently had some hard times with her family and medical problems. I’m not going to elaborate here because it’s not my place, but stop by her blog and wish her the best.
Life throws unexpected things at us. I’d like to think that if life gave me lemons, I’d make some fine lemonade out of it and spike it with sweet tea vodka. But if life threw lemons at someone I loved, I don’t know how I’d handle it.
Don’t let a chance go to tell those whom you love that you do.
temporal awareness
May 18th
The customer is not always right, at least when it comes to indisputable facts:
“I’m sorry to bug you, but I can’t remember any of my passwords this morning. Just seem to forgot all of them; it’s really a Monday morning so far.”
“Actually sir, it’s a Tuesday.”
“…dammit!”
I almost didn’t tell him, he sounded so sad.
It’s little tidbits like this that keep you coming back.
