my ears are bleeding

I am not a Grinch, I swear it. I love Christmas and the happiness and the family and the food and presents.

What I do not like is Christmas music that we are forced to listen to earlier and earlier these days. Something just doesn’t feel right about handing out candy to trick-or-treaters while “White Christmas” plays in the background. If we’re going to have 3+ months of Christmas music, the radio stations at least need to change it up a little bit.

This is my list of Christmas songs that can just go away already. You’ve done your job, you’ve given us years of service, now go away. Please. I don’t want to hate you, you’ve been too good to me.

“Christmas Don’t Be Late” Alvin and the Chipmunks
I simply can’t say how annoyed this song makes me. I actually don’t ever remember liking the Chipmunks, and I loved all cartoons until the age of 12 (OK 19. OK, 27). The Chipmunks appeared in 1958 when someone found that if you spilled your bourbon on a tape machine, it made it go faster and higher pitched. True story.

I know Alvin wants a Hula Hoop, but that fad died about 40 years ago. Given the average lifespan of a chipmunk can’t be more than 5 years, there has to have been about 8-10 Alvin’s to this point. Shouldn’t the newest iteration of Alvin be wanting a Wii just like every other high-pitched 5 year old?

“Happy Christmas (War is Over)” John Lennon
“A Wonderful Christmas Time” Paul McCartney
“Do They Know It’s Christmas” Band Aid
Rule of thumb, if you’re an ex-Beatle, you’re not good at writing songs anymore. Sure some of your catchier pop songs may have caught on, but stay away from social commentary. We understand that you’re very into looking like you care about things, we get it, we really do. Please keep your depression away from my happy Christmas.

The ONLY good thing about that Band Aid song is that the royalties still go to charity, and I do mean ONLY. That song just sucks, plain and simple. If it was recorded by someone else, a lesser-known pop artist, it would have faded away years ago. The line “and the Christmas bells that ring

there are the clanging chimes of doom/Well tonight thank God it’s them instead of you” should be put into the pile of ridiculousness normally reserved for emo bands.

Sudden thought: put all the most depressing Christmas music on one CD and sell it at stores in the mall catering to tweens with an ironic appreciation of the 70′s and 80′s.

Anything at all by Mannheim Steamroller
“OK guys, let’s make some Christmas music to sell on hardware store impluse-buy racks nationwide.”
“Sounds good. Let’s see if we have everything we need.”
“Synthesizers?”
“Check”
“…..OK, I guess we’re good. Let’s ruin some music!”

“Santa Claus is Coming to Town” Bruce Springstein
In general, I’ve never understood the facsination with Bruce Springstein. I suppose he’s ok, but I’ve never understood the whole ohmygod he’s so awesome thing. I’ve seen the videos from the 80′s, the guy doesn’t look good, can’t dance, and is really only an average singer. I have far more appreciation for the E Street Band as musicians, especially the guy with the keytar.

This song goes on for way too long, and at the end of it, Bruce singing “SAAAAAANTA CLAUS IS COMING TO TOWN” sounds like he’s straining too hard. My sisters and I used to joke that he sounds like he should have more fiber in his diet.

“Blue Christmas” Elvis Pressley
I don’t know what it is about it, but this song just drives me nuts. I have a healthy appreciation for the King, but the guy recorded a lot of crap in his time. Elvis recorded every song that someone wrote for him, and he had a lot of hits, but his hit:crap ratio definitely tilts toward the ugly side.

Oh wait, I know what it is about this song: the backup singers. The way they howl the “woooAAooo” makes me reach for the radio preset buttons each time.

“Santa Baby” anyone other than Eartha Kitt
Catwoman did it best. Stop redoing it (I’m looking at you Madonna, Everclear, RuPaul, Natalie Merchant, Pussycat Dolls, LeAnn Rimes, Kellie Pickler, Kylie Minogue, and Miss Piggy).

That’s my list for now. I’m sure as more songs get bored into my skull over the next month I’ll add them.