america has three bad judges

Let me just get this out there right away: I do not like “reality” TV. I have many complaints about it, from being just as fake as anything scripted to the sheer stupidity of some of the concepts, but all in all let’s just say I’m not a fan. I’ve only seen a couple episodes of “Idol”, and even though Gokey was our hometown boy, I couldn’t pick him out of a lineup if you told me which number he was. Between every reality show ever made, I think I’ve watched less than 10 episodes combined.

Last night was the regular summer craptacular lineup, and seeing as how Wisconsin decided to become Miami for the night (really, if I wanted 100% humidity and temperatures over 100 degrees, I would just move there. Right after I stabbed myself in the eye with a fork) I actually watched over AN HOUR of “America’s Got Talent”.

I’ve never seen this show before, so I have no idea if this is what it’s always like, but last night I was not impressed by any of the contestants. After 2 or 3 acts, I started paying attention to how the show was edited to try to give it maximum emotional impact. Upon review, I think they should change the name to “America has a Backstory and a Soundtrack with Questionable Talents, but Only The People Who Win Do”.

I could pick out who was going to advance to the next round about 2.4 seconds into the interview with the person. If there was no soundtrack and no backstory, they would be ridiculed. If there was a soundtrack but no backstory, they would be quirky but not get through to the next round. If there was a soundtrack AND backstory, regardless of whether or not the act was any good, they went through. Clearly the producers only spent time on producing segments for winners, which is really a shame. I want to know how the guy who swung a hammer from his nose chain and used it to break a plate attached to his crotch got to this point in life. I’m sure it’s way more interesting that “well I have a guitar and I play it when I’m sad”.

Here is my script for an entirely plausible act on “America’s Got Talent”:

[open on man sitting in waiting room surrounded by family members]

Man: “I’ve always had this dream of being able to share my talent with the world, and to make people happy. I feel like I have great things that I can do, if I only got my shot.”

[scene changes to montage of family moments]

Voiceover: “John Jacobs comes from a small town outside of Pittsburgh where his family has run the local hardware store for generations. Then tragedy struck the local business:”

John voiceover: “When the ferrets moved in, I couldn’t get them out of the store. There were over 1000 ferrets in the store, and customers were starting to get scared. I had to burn it down to get them all out. Since then, I’ve had to use my unique talent on street corners to earn enough money for food”

[cut to wife in living room]

Wife: “Times are tough, and I know that John has talent in him. I told him to follow his dreams and don’t worry about finding another job. If that means we have to eat cat food and make our clothing out of curtains, we’re all willing to sacrifice for John.”

[cut to John in waiting room again, staring into the distance at the ceiling]

John’s voiceover: “I know that this is my one shot to not have my family starve, and I believe in myself and know I can do it”

[cut to John walking onto stage]

Hasselhoff: “Hello John, what are you here to do for us tonight?”

John: “David, tonight I here betting my entire family’s livelihood on my secret talent.”

Sharon: “Eeh, an wot would that talen be, Jawn?”

John: “I have a really bendy thumb”

Hasselhoff: “Alright, let’s see it!”

[John performs an act that consists of him holding up his thumb and wiggling it back and forth. It is bendier than the average thumb. This is done to the music of "Golddigger" for some reason]

Hasselhoff: “WOW! I can say that I’ve never seen a thumb that bendy! I was just blown away by what you can do on stage! I say you’re GOIN TO VEGAS!”

Sharon: “Jawn, I’m worried tha you don’t hav a full show, but I believe that Merica deserves to see mowr of yer thumb! It’s a ‘yez’ for me.”

Whoever the third judge is: “Well then that makes it unanimous. Pack your bags John, you’re going to Vegas!”

[cut to John exiting stage and entire family hugging while "I Believe I Can Fly" plays in the background. Go to commercial because its been 3.5 minutes since the last commercial break]