I’ve never had good feet, and I don’t mean that I’m bad at dancing, although that is true as well.  My feet have been beat up and uglified over my time on this planet.  I played soccer for many years, during which I broke every single toe at some point or other except one.  Do you know what you do to fix a broken toe?  Nothing.  You do nothing.  It just hurts until it doesn’t anymore. 

So I have hobbit feet, after they climbed through the mountains and into a volcano.  I’ve grown to accept this, and just leave my socks on at parties.  Recently, my feet have started hurting because apparently I also have no arches.  My feet are so flat, they make Kansas look mountainous.  My feet are so flat, they’re like a 2-liter with the top off for a week.  My feet are so flat, they nearly gave Dr. Scholl’s a heart attack (I have like 50 of these, but I’ll stop now).

Last night I was being lazy on the couch with Wife, and my feet were hurting because they’ve actually gone beyond “flat” and are now working on “inverted”.  I asked Wife if she could please rub my feet, and believe me I know what kind of request this is considering what she’d have to touch.  I was prepared for some bargaining and dealing (“If you rub my feet, I’ll go grocery shopping for the next two weeks”) but being my awesome Wife, she agreed without bartering me up.

After a couple minutes of me moaning all sorts of noises as she did wonderful things to my aching feet, she had enough of my toes.  Admittedly, they are the ugliest part, and she felt that she could beautify it.  Wife asks me if she can attack my feet with knives and power tools, or in her words “Can I give you a pedicure?”

Quite frankly, I was terrified.  I’ve never had a pedicure before, and I didn’t know what was involved with this.  I also haven’t had anyone else cut my nails, finger or toe, since I was old enough to learn how to use a clipper.  Also, I’m as secure as they come in my sexuality, but if any of my guy friends have ever had a pedicure, they have never told me about it.  What if I get one and I like it?  Are they addictive?   Am I destined to have Korean women chip away at my feet forever?  Is this the slippery slope to full mani-pedi’s and martini’s while chatting with my friends with our heads in hairdryers?

All this is racing through my head while Wife is still looking at me.  Marriage in an adventure, right?  What the hell, let’s do this thing.

She gets out a variety of tools for the job, but I think she only used two of them: clipper and this thing that looks like a letter V on the end of a stick.  The inside of the V is sharp, and apparently is used for removing parts of yourself.  Any ambiguity on tools and methods is due to the fact that I didn’t see how any of it was done.  She shielded me from seeing what was going on with my feet, and quite frankly I wasn’t in any rush to see what horror show was going on down there.  I bit my lip and tried not to jump and yelp every time I felt a jab under my toenails, which I didn’t know are one of the most sensitive spots on the human body.

After about an hour (seriously, an hour.  Wife is a champ) I got to look at my feet.  Or should I say, somebody else’s feet who are now attached to my legs.  The only way that my feet could look that human is if she was actually amputating and reattaching a pair of celebrity feet she had in the basement.

Today I’m walking around in my new celebrity feet, and sad that I have to wear shoes at work.  I want to put my feet up on people’s desk and say “LOOK AT MY FEET!  THEY’RE BEAUTIFUL!” and leave them there until they agree.

P.S. Don’t forget to get me your team name suggestions.  We will have the poll this week with your suggestions.

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