halloween: how to guide for poor kids

I have a college friend who has a blog at bad guy hideout, and she is hilarious. Ever since her role as Azrael the cat (my roommate was Gargamel in the same play, quick name that show) she’s been driving the funny bus (which is a lot like the short bus, but you’re allowed to laugh at it).

I went to school at University of Wisconsin-Madison, which is famous for its Halloween celebrations. I dove into this festival every year whole-heartedly, sometimes with 2-3 costumes (the Halloween weekend lasts from roughly ‘Thursday noon’ to ‘Sunday whenever you got bacon’). Since I was in college and therefore poor, we became skilled at the art of cheap-but-awesome costumes.

Now I’m an adult with a full time job and making money, but I want to spend the money on more fun things like beer and redoing the bathroom*. And since I am nothing but helpful, I will help everyone in a fraternity with their costume this year. I know that you’re all planning on either going as Aldo Raine or Bruno, so do us all a favor and just go as Bruno. One, you can’t do Aldo Raine’s accent, so stop trying. Two, if you go as Bruno, it will be easier for us to identify the douchebags at a distance.

Start by taking your old grunge flannel shirt. I know it’s in the bottom of your closet and you don’t want to get rid of it because its so comfy and worn in. Yes, Pearl Jam was awesome, but even they came out with a new album, so you should definitely start wearing new clothes. And shave your goatee.

Take said shirt, and cut the sleeves off. Like, all the way off. Take that masterpiece of counterculture and cut away. Don’t worry, you always wore it with the sleeves rolled up anyway, so it’s not that big of a change

Next step is to find yellow pants. This step is difficult; yellow pants aren’t often spotted these days. Don’t you worry though, because that Elf costume that you bought 3 years ago will finally be useful again. That’s right, your procrastination and caving at the last minute and buying a store-bought costume will now be paying off double.

Take the pants, and cut off the legs. Like, all the way off. At this point, you might also want to invest in bikini briefs, or just pull your old pair out from the bottom of the drawer, even though you promised that you’d never wear them again because it was just a joke the first time anyway, honestly.

Next, we need to address hair. If you have a mohawk…first of all, why do you have a mohawk; and second of all, that will work too. If you are a normal human, you will need to obtain brunohair. Luckily, you should be able to obtain Meg Ryan’s hair to get the same effect. Don’t worry, with all the botox in her head these days she has no more sensation in her scalp, so plucking a few locks won’t even phase her.

Take her hair, and cut it off. Like, all the way off. You’re going to need all of it, so be sure not to miss any. Don’t worry about Meg; she’s been riding the crazytrain for a couple years now and the baldness will have no effect on her current popularity.

Last but not least, you will need an accessory. Go back into your closet/storage space and pull out your old Cabbage Patch doll. If it is black, good for you. If it is not black, make it black. If your cabbage patch kid is anything like my sister’s, even if it started out life as white it probably ended up some shade of gray/black because those things had some sort of plastic face that just absorbed dirt from the surrounding environment. No cleansing agent known to man could penetrate the grime that accumulated on a cabbage patch face; this was proven last month when they put one in the LHC just to see what would happen when a doll was accelerated to near the speed of light (answer: it goes really fast. And ages slower).

Your costume is now complete. Remember to do everything that night with a lisp and panache.

*that is not two things (beer, redoing bathroom); that is only one thing (beer and redoing the bathroom).