circus tiger

I don’t much read the tabloids or entertainment section, but I’m starting to think that I should more.  My belief is that it will rot your brain even more than watching television, and watching TMZ on television is akin to giving yourself a lobotomy.

However, when all the major news networks cited TMZ in regards to the Tiger Woods story, I thought I might have to adjust my view on this.  And now that the police have stopped their investigation, we’re stuck with TMZ to find out the truth.

You have no idea how incredibly sad this makes me feel.  Woodward and Bernstein move over, we have Perez Hilton.

Nonetheless, I’m intrigued by this story because of how ludicrous the story that Tiger and Supermodel want us to believe.  From what I gather, this is their version:

Tiger was driving his Escalade in the wee hours of the morning for no reason whatsoever and we’re not going to say.  He then crashed it into a fire hydrant and a tree.  Don’t worry, he wasn’t going fast and the airbags didn’t even deploy.  Supermodel wife hears the crash, and runs outside with one of Tiger’s 8-irons which she uses to smash the rear window and heroically drags her husband to safety.  Thank you for coming to the press conference no questions please have a nice day.

Like that frog from 7th grade, I’m now going to dissect this poorly.

Tiger was driving his Escalade in the wee hours of the morning for no reason whatsoever and we’re not going to say. 

Isn’t Tiger the Buick spokesman?  Are they going to be pissed he didn’t crash a LeSabre?

He then crashed it into a fire hydrant and a tree. 

Fire hydrant AND a tree?  Goodbye Buick sponsorship, hello lucrative chain of bumper car carnival attractions.  Only 4 tickets to ride the TigerCrash.

Don’t worry, he wasn’t going fast and the airbags didn’t even deploy. 

Yet the impact was loud enough and Tiger was so dazed and woozy from the impact that…

Supermodel wife hears the crash, and runs outside with one of Tiger’s 8-irons which she uses to smash the rear window and heroically drags her husband to safety. 

Because apparently Tiger keeps a bag of golf clubs in the garage just like any other average married guy.  Probably in a corner by the door so it looks like they get used often, but actually have cobwebs on them.

Thank you for coming to the press conference no questions please have a nice day.

Wait wait wait.

If he crashed his car slow enough that the airbags didn’t deploy, why did he need to be dragged to safety over the driver seat and over the passenger seat and out the back window?  And after you dragged him out, why leave him lying in the middle of the street, which is where he was when the neighbors found him?  And why not, I don’t know, open the door instead of bashing out windows?  And why not, I don’t know, call 911?

If this wasn’t Tiger Woods that we were talking about, and just some other random dude from your neighborhood, wouldn’t we come to another set of assumptions entirely?  Just because he’s the best in the world at swatting a little ball into a cup doesn’t mean he’s not as messed up as “normal” people.  I now present to you the Lifetime Original movie of “Club of Justice” (starring the mom from Gilmore Girls and a male actor from Star Trek TNG):

One Thanksgiving weekend, Susan found out that Bob had been cheating on her.  Not with one woman, but with at least three.  You see, Bob was out of town on business a lot, and since he was a jerk, he slept with a lot of other women.  He had been able to keep this secret for awhile, but the truth is bound to come out.

Susan was understandably enraged, and they argued and fought all night.  When Bob was unrepentant, because he’s a jerk, she slapped him and beat him with her tiny fists, which bounced off Bob.  However, his inflated jerk ego was bruised because a woman was attempting to hurt him. 

Bob yelled at Susan, “You’re crazy!  I’m leaving until you get your self together!” and walked out to the garage.  Susan followed him, yelling obscenities at his back, trying to elicit some reaction from the man she thought she loved.  All the way to the garage she yelled, and Bob didn’t even turn around to acknowledge her.

Finally, she could take no more.  He had marginalized her and pushed her aside once too many.  She had put her promising career on hold to raise their children, and this was the thanks she gets?  Susan saw his golf bag sitting by the door, and quickly grabbed a club.  She swung it at Bob, striking him in the back and the head.  Bob staggered a step, then turned to look at her.  He saw the anger in her eyes, and for the first time was afraid.  He ran to the car, and quickly locked himself in.  Bob put the car in reverse, and quickly backed out the driveway.  Susan chased after him, and smashed the rear window of the car with the club as he drove away .

Bob was dazed from the blow, and couldn’t see straight.  He tried to fight off unconsciousness, but the gray closed in around his vision.  He didn’t even feel the impact of the tree, but when he awoke he saw that he car had struck one.  He opened the door and fell out onto the street.

After all that, I think I could actually be a writer for Lifetime.  Actually, a soap opera could be more fun.  Because if this was a soap, this is what would happen next:

As Susan stared at the prone figure of her husband, a shadowy woman stepped from the treeline.

“Susan, I must tell you, Bob is actually my husband too!”

DUH DUH DAAAAA!

She continued, “And Susan, I am…you long lost twin sister!”

DUH DUH DAAAA!

She continued, “And Susan, the club in your hand belonged to…our father!”

DAA DAA DAA DUUUUUN!

voiceover: “What will become of Bob?  Will Susan be able to connect with her new sister?  Will they go to brunch?  Will their father want his golf club back?  Stay tuned for next week’s…DANGEROUS PLEASANTRIES!”

Eh? Eh? 

Yeah I know, I won’t quit my day job.