here we come a wassailing

Last Christmas, I had done a post about my least favorite Christmastime songs.  Even though we’re still two weeks away from the big day, the radio stations around here have been playing 24-hour Christmas music since mid-July, and it’s once again wearing on my nerves.

All of my picks from last year are still valid complaints; I still hate them.  However I now hate “Wonderful Christmas Time” by Paul McCartney and Wings even more, so I’d bump that up a couple notches.  By any measure, it’s a terrible song.  Anyhate…

A lot of the pop songs this year have had just absolutely awful lyrics.  When I ask/complain about something stupid that I just heard someone say out loud on the radio while in the car with Wife, she will tell me not to listen to the lyrics or else it makes the vein in my forehead get big and angry.

Now, contrary to all the above, I love Christmas music.  I’ll get a song stuck in my head and sing it all day and annoy coworkers, but since I’m apparently hard-wired to only hear stupid lyrics, I have to say that this genre is replete with some of the dumbest words ever penned.  And I’m not even talking about new songs by pop artists; some of the old classics have insipid rhymes and just terrible songwriting.

So to last year’s list, here is my new update.  I include lines that make me cringe from otherwise good songs, and songs that by all rights should have made last year’s list.

“Here comes Santa Claus, here comes Santa Claus, right down Santa Claus Lane….”
“Santa Claus Lane” sounds like a spinoff from “Desperate Housewives” starring a slutty Mrs. Kringle (played by Blake Lively) and a deadbeat Kris Kringle (Daniel Baldwin) who only has a job one month of every year. 

“Last Christmas” Wham
All I hear during this song is, “mope mope mope mope.”  This is such a self-indulgent piece of crap that George Michael sent it in for his “Twilight” audition, but even they thought he moped too much.  “Last Christmas I gave you my heart, but the very next day you gave it away” is so over the top pitymeplease that even cutters say, “Dude, tone it down a little bit; it’s Christmas, man.”

“Do They Know It’s Christmas” Band Aid
Yes, they know its Christmas.  You can’t avoid it.  Agnostic Eskimo tribes living on Pluto who’ve only seen Earth in a telescope know it’s Christmas, and even they think it’s stupid that you put the Christmas decorations up before Thanksgiving, or as they call it, SpardleFeast.

“I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus”
Your mom is apparently the village hoor; either that or she has a fat old guy fetish.  It shouldn’t be that hard to resist a morbidly obese elf with cookie and milk breath, but apparently your mom has a weakness for it. The line, “Oh what a laugh it would have been/If Daddy had only seen/Mommy kissing Santa Claus last night” really doesn’t make any sense.  I highly doubt Daddy would find that entertaining.  In all likelihood, if Daddy had indeed seen that, your house would be the last house that Santa ever visited.

“Jingle Bell Rock”
I do like this song, but whoever penned this had a serious obsession with jingle bells.  In this song, there exists jingle bell rock, jingle bell swing, jingle hop, jingle bell chime, jingle bell time, a jingle bell square, a jingle horse, and jingling feet.  This song must have been commissioned by a jingle bell factory to increase jingle sales and jingle stock.

“Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer”
I don’t know anyone who likes this song.  Why it gets played on the radio is beyond me.  Much like Nickelback.

“It doesn’t show signs of stopping, and I’ve brought some corn for popping”
“Hey Mark and Sue!  So glad you could make it to our Christmas party!  I’ve make the turkey on the table, and have appetizers out on the counter.  Let me take your coats and you can go sit by the fire.”

“Thanks Bob and Marge, we brought you something special!”

“Oh my!  You didn’t have to bring anyth…..what is this?  Wait, did you bring…popcorn?  Is this popcorn?”

“Yep! It’s really easy to make too, just put it in the microwave for about-"

“I know how to make popcorn Mark!  God, even my kids know how to make popcorn, and they once tried to feed the cat Lego’s!  I make a freaking turkey and you brought me a bag of Orville Redenbacher!”

“Actually, it’s Neville Redenbacher, the alternative brand from the dollar store.”

“….”

“Happy Holiday/Holiday Season” Andy Williams
This is quite possibly the worst Christmas song of all time ever in the history of the world.  For those of you unfamiliar with the lyrics, please check here and then return.

Good, you’re back, and your head didn’t suffer from encountering an implosive amount of stupid writing.  This song just sucks the will to live from me, and turns my Christmas joy into a blind white haterage until the song is over. 

To be fair, I shouldn’t be too hard on it.  After all, Andy William’s 5 year-old nephew wrote this song after someone had given him a rhyming dictionary and a buttload of sugar.
Here is my “favorite” part:

“It’s the holiday season,
with the whoop de do and hickory dock
and don’t forget to hang up your sock
because just at 12 o’clock
he’ll be coming down the chimney, down”

Just…what?! THOSE AREN’T EVEN WORDS! YOU’RE JUST MAKING NOISES! GO TO HELL ANDY WILLIAMS! AND EVEN THE WORDS THAT YOU DID MAKE ARE WORSE THAN JUST NOISES! STOP DOING THINGS! JUST STOP!

Alright, I feel better now.  Hopefully I expand this list even more as the relentless Christmas music saturates its way into my brain.  Now I just need to figure out how to go shopping for presents while wearing earplugs.