Ever had a story that you really wanted to tell but you never managed to hit that narrow range of drunkedness where you felt comfortable enough to tell it but still could talk clearly?  That’s why Travis created Memoir Mondays!  No Jager needed!

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Back in the fall of 2000, I started a collegiate career that would last me the better part of a decade.  I loaded up the family van with my meager belongings and my family members for the not-so-very-long drive to Madison so I could move into my dorm room.  I even got to drive the van!  Woo hoo!  Excitement was in the air!

About an hour into the drive down the interstate, we came up to a squad car in the left lane.  I was in the right, and there was very little traffic anywhere around.  The speed limit on this particular stretch was 65 mph, and when I saw the policecar, I set the cruise control at 66.  Of course, this particular policeman felt it necessary to go exactly 65 in the left lane.

Since then, I have worked with several policemen, and for the most part they have been men and women of the real world; i.e. when in their own cars they go 5-10 over just like everyone else in the world.  One person I worked with even told me how much they all despised other policemen who drove their squad cars exactly the speed limit because it made the police look bad.  He even said his first day out on the job, he was driving and his training partner told him, “Look man, everyone out here is only going to go as fast as you are, so don’t be an ass and go a little faster, ok?”

Apparently this cop never learned that “how not to be an ass lesson” as he really enjoyed the POWER OF MAKING EVERYONE SLOW DOWN.  Since I had the cruise control at 66 exactly, I was basically daring him to pull me over, because there is no way he could write a ticket for that.

Ever so slowly, I crept by him.  I think it must have taken several miles for me to pass him because of the minuscule speed differential.  Just as I pass him, my dad turns to me and says, “Well, that was brave.”

At this moment, I see the lights come on behind me.  My stomach drops, and I do a very loud mental “What the HELL?! IS HE SERIOUSLY PULLING ME OVER FOR GOING 66?!”

I pull over and stop, and the cop does this swagger walk from his car to mine.  I know this sounds clichéd, but he couldn’t have strutted over more proudly if he was wearing an evening dress, heels, and was on a catwalk in Paris.

He comes to the window, and I soothe my rage and ask, “What ever could be the problem, office?” in a fairly sarcasm-free tone.

“Is this your car? I noticed your back plate is on the front and your front plate is on the back.  I’m not going to write you a ticket, but you’ll have to switch those around.”

“No, actually it’s my dad’s car, he’s sitting right behind me.”

“Oh, ok.  Make sure you get those switched around before you get a ticket.”

“Will do officer, thank you.”

“Oh, and one more thing….”

Here it comes…

“…if I’m going 65, whats probably not a good thing to do?”

Instantly about twenty incorrect responses spring to mind.  I sit there in silence for what was probably only a second or two but seemed much longer while I went through the list of things I could say.

The policejerk is staring at me like he’s expecting a response.

“Pull you over and waste your time?”

“Find an excuse to lord my power over other humans?”

“Eat a Taco Bell Nacho Bel Grande, although thats not really safe at any speed?”

So many choices! So many potential answers!  Oh dear my brain is about to explode!

I finally just take a deep breath and say, “Officer, do you REALLY want me to answer that question?”

His smirk vanishes, he mutters a haveaniceday and walks back to his car.

I pull out back onto the road and continue driving.  About a minute later, my dad in the backseat says, “Did…did you really just do that?”

Yes dad, yes I did.

When I recounted this story to my roommate, we made a list of things I should have said.  Sadly, this list has been lost to time and many many moves, and hopefully will be recovered by future archeologists.  But since I have all of you, let’s recreate this list!

What should I have said?