Yahoo news recently posted this article that contains a list of the things that annoy workers the most.  I’m guessing that they surveyed office workers because I don’t see complaints from lion tamers in the list (“lions keep eating assistants; replacements hard to train.”)

“Grumpy or moody colleagues” tops the list, which I think is kind of funny because that seems more like a result of everything else on the list than an actual cause in itself.  If all those other things were happening to me, I’d actually be checking the survey form to see if there was a field for “want to smack everyone who talks to me.”

“Too much health and safety in the work place” is also a curious item to make the list, so I am assuming that they mean “too much TALKING about health and safety.”  Otherwise, I didn’t know there was a thing as too much health and safety.  I suppose if you worked at a tofu processing center, when you finished your morning yoga meeting and were walking down the cotton-ball hallway to your desk made from rubber and sat down on your giant inflatable ball, eventually you’d just want to scream, “I’m going to run with these scissors and go outside to smoke a cigarette!”

“Poor toilet etiquette.”  Apparently they didn’t read the article written by Shine and myself.  I still think that there should be a section in the employee handbook that includes this; one, it would be the only section that people actually read, and two, how else are people supposed to learn?

“Too cold/cold air conditioning.” I don’t tend to have this problem because I am a guy.  The only time I heard a guy complain about the heat in an office was when our thermostat broke and the office got up to 95 degrees by noon.

As far as the list of jargon, the last place I worked was a hellhole for this type of corporate mean-nothing phrasefest.  If I ever hear someone say, “Let’s touch base,” I will touch their face with my fist.

“Thinking outside the box” is a good way to get fired.  Why?  Because the box is safe.  Outside the box ideas get you increased scrutiny from your boss, which can be a good thing but it can also be a very bad thing.

“Drill down.”  This phrase must have been invented by someone who had never used a drill.  If you drill down into something, you put holes in it.  This in no way indicates that you are searching for more details as the phrase intends, as a drill is not the correct tool for this purpose.

“Let’s not throw pies in the dark.”  Why not?  That sounds like one hell of a good time!

“Push the envelope.”  I’m not sure what your parents taught you, but I learned that you’re supposed to mail the envelope if you want someone to get it.  Pushing it will only move it a couple inches at best; to reach its destination you need a stamp.  Oh wait, what?  This phrase refers to an airplane going to the limit of when it changes from an object in flight to a hunk of metal falling from the sky?  So you’re telling me I have to do my job at the edges of the laws of physics?  I’ll get right on that.

Employees are more willing to “bring their A-game” as soon as employers “bring their A-compensation package.”  Jus sayin’…

This list is far from complete of asinine phrases used at work, and I’m sure you probably have better ones.  Let me know what it is that really bugs you at work.