This nifty invention really makes me sad that Billy Mays isn’t around anymore, because you know that his version of this infomercial would be EPIC.

I don’t even have words, just…just watch this.

Now I feel bad, because I just made you watch something you can’t unsee.

Before I got married, I got all sorts of advice from people.  Nobody told me that farting in bed is a major issue for married couples, and now I’m concerned that I’ve been an awful husband.  Not that I’m overly gassy or anything, but now I’m going to worry about it.

I’m not claiming to be a flatus expert, but if your gas requires military-grade filters that can save you from a nerve gas attack, MAYBE YOU SHOULD CHANGE YOUR DIET.  Just sayin…

“Honey, you know how I have to wear a charcoal filter World War I-style gas mask to bed after we eat Mexican food?”

“Boy do I!”

“Well I won’t need to wear that anymore! Say goodbye to unsightly gas-mask lines on my face!  We’re getting the Marriage Blanket!”

“It’s about time someone came up with a solution to my terrible gas!  Now I can eat cabbage and rotten meat, and not disturb my loved ones!”

Also, kudos to the designers of this thing for naming it the Marriage Blanket.  According to their website at http://www.bettermarriageblanket.com/ the blanket is perfect for “weddings, anniversaries, birthdays, room mates, [or a] humorous occasion.”  It seems to me that giving this as a gift to anyone for any occasion is a good way to get donkey punched.

The website also calls the blanket a “fun solution to a common problem!”  Actually, a way more fun solution if you live with someone who has uncontrollable flatus is to get them a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle Fart Alarm 2000, which yells “cowabunga” every time you let one slip.  I don’t know if this exists yet, but it should.

Yet, despite all that, they ALMOST had me wanting to try this thing out.  That is until they displayed the price of “three easy payments of $39.95.”  That makes this a $120 blanket, and no part of paying $120 for a blanket is easy.  It should say “three easy payments of $39.95, and six weeks of buyer’s remorse. You just bought a fart blanket, hahaha!”

I promise you, in a couple weeks, we’ll be seeing infomercials for the new FartSnuggie, “the slanket you can fill with farts without worrying that those around you are judging you.  Well, judging you any MORE than someone just wearing a slanket.”

If anyone out there actually gets one of these, please come back here and tell me if it’s improved your life.  Just, please, leave out the details.