Recently I was at a wedding reception, and someone at our table had some inane question along the lines of “who was that band had that one song with the lyrics, ‘dances in the sand?’”  No fewer than four people pulled out their various smartphones, iPhones, or Blackberrys and began searching for the answer as fast as their 3G connection would allow.

And then it hit me: when did the future get here?

We have technology that people could only dream of in Star Trek, with their little tricorders (what three things it record, anyway?) and their little communicators.  We’re a transporter away from being able to do everything they did in that show.  However, we seem to use our futuristic technology for far more prosaic reasons.

For example:

  • Captain Kirk flips open his communicator which makes that beeping noise and says, “Scottie, beam us out of here, the giant lizard is about to eat us and I have the power crystals!”
  • My friend flips open his phone, presses push to talk which makes that same beeping noise and says, “Hey everyone, free churros in the cafeteria!”

or…

  • Bones scans somebody’s abdomen with a handheld device and says, “Looks like they have an alien parasite changing their DNA!”
  • My friend uses his handheld device and scans the barcode for “Making Tofu Fun: 20 Easy Recipes” and finds out it’s $2 cheaper on Amazon than in the store.

or…

  • The Jetson’s have a flying car that drops people out of little pods and deposits them at their various and sundry destinations.
  • My Chevy Cavalier still sucks.

OK, so we’re still working on that last one.  But has anyone actually considered how incredibly easy it would be to die in a flying car?  Most of the ninnies on this planet right now can’t even drive one that stays firmly on the ground.

And maybe I’m biased, but something you never see in the future is stuff breaking.  Oh sure, the evil aliens from another planet hacked our computers and put a virus in there that shut down the global defense network.  This usually requires the computer geeknerd hero to sit at a computer with a monitor that takes up the entire wall, who types frantically with sweat on his forehead and wire-rim glasses sliding down his nose.  When he completes the firewall to block the aliens, he pushes his chair back with his arms raised in triumph.

You know how that scene would go in real life?

“Sir! The aliens are attempting to hack into our systems!”

“Log into the security database and stop them!”

“Crap….crap…dammit, sir! I tried my password three times and it locked me out!”

“Where’s the number for tech support, you need to call them and have them unlock your account and reset the password!”

“Hello, Global Defense Tech Support, how may I help you?”

“I locked my account out, can you help me! It’s an emergency!”

“Sir, is your caps lock key on?”

“….DAMMIT!”

And by this time the aliens would have landed and Joaquin Phoenix would have to hit them with a bat.

Somehow the future also seems to have no concerns about food.  In the future, we’ve figured out a way to make edible food out of nothing.  You just tell the little computer what you want, and it somehow just pops up out of thin air.  Actually, check that, we have fast food, which is pretty much the same.  I guess science is close to solving this one.

Across the spectrum, the future is portrayed as a place where we’ve figured out ways to solve all of our trivial problems, which leaves humankind free to pursue and ponder life’s great mysteries.  In reality, our miraculous inventions simply extend our currently triviality into another arena.

The Internet allows us to communicate instantly with anyone on the globe!  Scientists long ago thought that this would usher in a new era of communication and understanding among global communities, thereby reducing war and conflict and bringing about world peace.  In reality, the Internet has allowed global communities to extend their existing conflicts into cyberspace.

In historical terms, think of Columbus discovering the New World.  He found a place (well, at least promoted the heck out of a new place) that had untold treasures and rewards.  European nations boggled at the potential advancement this could offer.  Instead of breaking down barriers between European countries and bringing about a peaceful era of cooperative learning and discovery, it instead created a new place for European countries to fight in and fight over.

Regardless of the advancement in technology and discovery, human nature remains the same today as it was thousands of years ago.  Technology won’t ever solve our problems because technology and science are never inherently good or evil.

If only Luke had a lightsaber, that movie would have been a lot shorter.

And I bet there were probably a couple Jedi out there that didn’t read the manual and had to call tech support after they sliced off a finger

“Lightsaber Tech Support, how can I help you?”

“Yeah, so I um, turned the thing on, and it made a noise, and then it did some things and now my finger is on the floor, should I try to reboot it?”

“Hang up and call 9-1-1.”

“Should I unplug it first?”

“Hang up and call 9-1-1.”

“They said that unplugging it without shutting it down would be bad, and I don’t want to have to get a new lightsaber.”

Which brings me to my final point, and the reason why this blog even started, lo two hundred posts ago: no matter what technology is available, humans excel at finding ways to break it.

It’s what we do.

And why I’m employed.