So you might be wondering, what the heck happened to Jeff?  Did someone finally show up at his house and say, “You know that blog thing you’re doing?  Just…stop.  Seriously man, you suck.”  Actually, you’re probably not wondering that, but you’re probably nodding along with this fictional, sarcastic hero for English majors.

Unfortunately for those offended by my run-on sentences and lack of “proper” punctuation and nonsensical parenthetical comments (just like that time I thought I could eat two donuts with sprinkles) the reason for my absence is far more mundane and ordinary.

I got a new job which doesn’t require me to talk to people who made most of the stories on this site.  That’s right folks, I’m out of the phone support business and doing more backend computer work, so I won’t have as many fun stories about exploding keyboards and users who don’t know their ass from a DVD in the ground.

The other reason for not writing?  Dude, it’s summer.  I do a lot of things in summer that don’t involve being in front of a computer when I’m at home, such as being outside and getting vitamin D. But to catch you up, here’s the Cliff Notes of my summer.  There will be a test at the end.

1. Wife got laid off from her school district because they cut 700 teachers positions.  In order to accommodate the reduction of teachers, 2,100 students were also eliminated.

2. We celebrated our one year anniversary in August by going to Ohio, the state of romance and wonderment.  Ohio was quite lovely and we had a good time, except for driving across Indiana.  Indiana sucks.  Why Indianiots all speak with southern accents makes no sense.

3. I ate a lot of fried fish and wrote reviews about them for examiner.com.  I also audited a class on shameless self-promotion.

4. Wife went on 10,000 interviews and didn’t get a job anywhere.  Then on one day, she had three job offers within a couple hours.  We went and bought lottery tickets; will let you know later this week when they hold the drawing if we’re millionaires or not.

5. We started fostering dogs who need homes. Our current houseguest is Skipper, and he still needs to find his forever home.  He’s the best black lab mutt ever.  Click here for more info. Did I mention I took a class in shameless self-promotion?

6.  I don’t really have six things to talk about, but I put a “6.” and I don’t believe in backspacing.

Random thought #1:
I played with an iPad recently.  I don’t get it.  Judging by the word “iPad” not appearing in an article in the last 6 weeks, I’m guessing nobody else does either.  To all the iSheep out there, I have an iBridge to sell you,

Serious thought:
The “ground zero mosque” is not at ground zero, nor is it a mosque strictly speaking. It is an Islamic Community Center which contains a mosque, and it is several blocks away from the ground zero site.  You know what else is within a couple blocks of ground zero? An off-track betting site and a strip club.  We live in a country where freedom of religion is the FIRST protection spelled out in the bill of rights.  The people who carried out that act of terrorism were no more Muslim than Timothy McVeigh was a Christian.  If we are to not become hypocrites, there should be no churches allowed near the Oklahoma City site.  Shut up and deal with the melting pot that has made us awesome.

Random thought #2:
Am I stealing this gimmick from Gregg Easterbrook’s TMQ?  A little bit, but he’s the man.  At least I’m not doing previews of my upcoming posts.

Twitter thought:
The failwhale and I are now on a first name basis, since we see each other every fifteen minutes or so.  I call her Kirstie.

NFL thought:
I can’t remember a year in which I’ve cared less about the NFL.  I don’t know what it is, but I think the NFL has reached a saturation point with me, especially since there hasn’t been any surprises for awhile.  Here’s whats going to happen:  the Packers will lose in the second round of the playoffs.  The Vikings are going to implode.  Indianapolis will lose in the Super Bowl.  The Patriots aren’t going to do anything, but all the analysts are going to pretend they’re still relevant.  Everyone will predict big things from Houston, and they will suck.  The Chargers will somehow win the West again, despite being terrible.  Al Davis will come out of his lair once every sixteen days and devour an innocent bystander.  Players will be paid too much money.  Bill Belichick will dress like a hobo with a drinking problem.  Mike Holmgren will complete his transformation into a  walrus.  John Madden will somehow still be on television doing his moron schtick even though he retired.

MLB thought:
Blah blah Yankees blah Red Sox blah blah Manny Ramierz who cares.  Get with the program Selig and do something to make parity in the league already.

Random thought #3:
If you actually read all the way down here, congratulations!  You’re either my mother or very bored at work.

I’ll be back, I promise!