blog
my phone owns the rights to my life
Sep 1st
I believe the research that says cell phones cause problems with your brain. I don’t think it’s because of radiation, I just think it’s because cell phones are making me dumber. I can still remember the phone number of my best friends from when I was five years old, but I can’t tell you the actual digits that make up any of my family or friend’s phone numbers. When I need to call them, the phone just has it memorized for me, so I don’t need to waste brain space with that. I dropped my phone in water a couple years ago, and I was completely paralyzed. And I don’t mean figuratively either, this was real paralysis. I just stared catatonic as my phone dripped water, each drop pooling below into a puddle of broken dreams and forgotten phone numbers.
Every time I got a new phone and the numbers didn’t automatically come along for the ride and I had to manually re-enter all the numbers, it was actually easier to stop being friends with someone than to enter their number in again. ”Hmm, well, I only see him once a year, so….I’m not going to type ten numbers into my phone AGAIN, geesh.”
Now I have a “smart phone” that is pretty much a tiny little computer, and it’s making me even dumber. I never need to remember anything anymore. What time is it? Look at my phone. What was the score of that game from last night? Look at my phone. What’s my middle name? Look at my phone. What’s the color of the sky? Look at my phone. What time is it again, because I forgot already from six seconds ago? Look at my phone. If I lose my phone now, I think I’ll just have to sit in a chair wrapped in a blanket trying to fight off the shakes until someone comes and gives me a new one, yelling things like “Someone get me a Droid because that chair just exploded into a thousand snakes and I can’t stop them!”
One thing my smartphone did do was automatically import all my email contacts and Facebook friends and Twitterfaces, and it was actually a very humbling experience to see how many asshats you’re “friends” with. When the phone actually compiles a list of your life and says, “Here, good sir, is the list of everything you have accomplished socially. Judging by your friends, you are a horrible person.” But the phone doesn’t know me. I only had that person’s number in my phone so I would know when they were calling so I could avoid them, because as I mentioned before I can’t remember anyone’s actual phone number so I need to see their name pop up before I can think, “Oh yeah, I hate them.”
So the first thing I did was go through that list and start deleting people. Know what? It felt good. It was the digital equivalent of telling someone off that you don’t have the nerve to say it to their face, which let’s face, is really what the internet is for anyway. “You don’t mean as much to me as you think you do. Who do you think you are anyway, huh? I don’t have to take that from you! DELETED! HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT THAT NOW?”
Now it’s getting to the point that my phone is training me like it’s Pavlov and I’m Snoopy. Every time my phone makes any sort of noise or vibration, I have to check it. It’s as much of a reflex to me now as hitting the snooze button. My pocket goes BZZZZ and I have to check what someone just sent me, my hand just flied to my phone before I know what it’s doing. It’s so bad, I hear someone else’s phone beep and I have to check mine just to make sure. As far as I know, maybe my phone beeped at exactly the same time and the other phone’s beep covered mine up, so better safe than sorry and I’ll check it.
And I’m not the only one. Sometimes I’ll hear my phone beep, and I’ll see someone nearby else go to their pocket to pull theirs out. I’ll be nice and say, “Oh that was mine,” but they always say, “Oh I know,” and check their phone anyway because they’re as bad as me.
We’re all addicted to our phones now, our entire society is walking around with an addictive substance in their pockets. People see Steve Jobs on television launching a new product and they’re all “Oooh he’s a genius!” Know what? I hate Steve Jobs. He’s basically the biggest drug dealer in the world. Whenever you have people waiting outside a building shivering in the cold because they need their fix of whatever you’re selling, you’re a drug dealer. “C’mon man, just a little iPhone? No? iPod Touch? C’mon man, I’m dyin here!”
I work in tech support. So in this analogy, I’m the guy you call when your heroin needle isn’t working right.
“Needle’s R Us Tech Support, how can I help you?”
“Um yeah….it ain’t doin’ what it do.”
“Could you be more specific please?”
“The needle man, it won’t go in right, it gets all bendy and stuff.”
“Sir, have you tried rebooting it?”
next stop, thirty
Aug 31st
Wife and I went to Home Depot to look at things for the house, because we’re addicted to home improvements.
We got kicked out of the store when they closed at 8pm, but there is a Lowe’s right next door to it, so we went to Lowe’s.
We got kicked out of Lowe’s when they closed at 9pm, but that’s OK because there is a Menard’s right next to that, so we went to Mendard’s.
We got kicked out of Mendard’s when they closed at 10pm. That was not OK because there are no more home improvement stores.
On the way to the car, I turned to Wife and said, “Honey, remember when we used to close down bars?”
And yet, just when I think I might be too adult and all grown up and boring, little things will come by to remind me that I’m just as immature as ever. I was walking the dogs on a pretty hot and humid evening, and the neighbor kids were running through the sprinkler in their front lawn.
You better believe I ran right through that bad boy. And it was glorious.
look what just popped up in google reader
Aug 24th
So you might be wondering, what the heck happened to Jeff? Did someone finally show up at his house and say, “You know that blog thing you’re doing? Just…stop. Seriously man, you suck.” Actually, you’re probably not wondering that, but you’re probably nodding along with this fictional, sarcastic hero for English majors.
Unfortunately for those offended by my run-on sentences and lack of “proper” punctuation and nonsensical parenthetical comments (just like that time I thought I could eat two donuts with sprinkles) the reason for my absence is far more mundane and ordinary.
I got a new job which doesn’t require me to talk to people who made most of the stories on this site. That’s right folks, I’m out of the phone support business and doing more backend computer work, so I won’t have as many fun stories about exploding keyboards and users who don’t know their ass from a DVD in the ground.
The other reason for not writing? Dude, it’s summer. I do a lot of things in summer that don’t involve being in front of a computer when I’m at home, such as being outside and getting vitamin D. But to catch you up, here’s the Cliff Notes of my summer. There will be a test at the end.
1. Wife got laid off from her school district because they cut 700 teachers positions. In order to accommodate the reduction of teachers, 2,100 students were also eliminated.
2. We celebrated our one year anniversary in August by going to Ohio, the state of romance and wonderment. Ohio was quite lovely and we had a good time, except for driving across Indiana. Indiana sucks. Why Indianiots all speak with southern accents makes no sense.
3. I ate a lot of fried fish and wrote reviews about them for examiner.com. I also audited a class on shameless self-promotion.
4. Wife went on 10,000 interviews and didn’t get a job anywhere. Then on one day, she had three job offers within a couple hours. We went and bought lottery tickets; will let you know later this week when they hold the drawing if we’re millionaires or not.
5. We started fostering dogs who need homes. Our current houseguest is Skipper, and he still needs to find his forever home. He’s the best black lab mutt ever. Click here for more info. Did I mention I took a class in shameless self-promotion?
6. I don’t really have six things to talk about, but I put a “6.” and I don’t believe in backspacing.
Random thought #1:
I played with an iPad recently. I don’t get it. Judging by the word “iPad” not appearing in an article in the last 6 weeks, I’m guessing nobody else does either. To all the iSheep out there, I have an iBridge to sell you,
Serious thought:
The “ground zero mosque” is not at ground zero, nor is it a mosque strictly speaking. It is an Islamic Community Center which contains a mosque, and it is several blocks away from the ground zero site. You know what else is within a couple blocks of ground zero? An off-track betting site and a strip club. We live in a country where freedom of religion is the FIRST protection spelled out in the bill of rights. The people who carried out that act of terrorism were no more Muslim than Timothy McVeigh was a Christian. If we are to not become hypocrites, there should be no churches allowed near the Oklahoma City site. Shut up and deal with the melting pot that has made us awesome.
Random thought #2:
Am I stealing this gimmick from Gregg Easterbrook’s TMQ? A little bit, but he’s the man. At least I’m not doing previews of my upcoming posts.
Twitter thought:
The failwhale and I are now on a first name basis, since we see each other every fifteen minutes or so. I call her Kirstie.
NFL thought:
I can’t remember a year in which I’ve cared less about the NFL. I don’t know what it is, but I think the NFL has reached a saturation point with me, especially since there hasn’t been any surprises for awhile. Here’s whats going to happen: the Packers will lose in the second round of the playoffs. The Vikings are going to implode. Indianapolis will lose in the Super Bowl. The Patriots aren’t going to do anything, but all the analysts are going to pretend they’re still relevant. Everyone will predict big things from Houston, and they will suck. The Chargers will somehow win the West again, despite being terrible. Al Davis will come out of his lair once every sixteen days and devour an innocent bystander. Players will be paid too much money. Bill Belichick will dress like a hobo with a drinking problem. Mike Holmgren will complete his transformation into a walrus. John Madden will somehow still be on television doing his moron schtick even though he retired.
MLB thought:
Blah blah Yankees blah Red Sox blah blah Manny Ramierz who cares. Get with the program Selig and do something to make parity in the league already.
Random thought #3:
If you actually read all the way down here, congratulations! You’re either my mother or very bored at work.
I’ll be back, I promise!
wife tells a story, part 1
Jul 6th
As you may or may not know, Wife is was a teacher for the city’s largest school district. They recently laid off just short of 500 teachers for the upcoming year, and my wife didn’t have the seniority to remain employed.
Putting aside the issues such as:
- moral imperatives to teach our children
- employment and income
- unions vs. employers
- governments running things into the ground
(bitter much? me? never!) this will also cause a serious crimp in the flow of stories from school.
In “honor” of this occasion, Wife herself has written the following stories from the last couple weeks of her school year. Please to enjoy the 4K Chronicles:
So it’s the second last week of school and the teachers are more ready to be done than the kids. For some reason that means the kids are regressing in their appropriate school behaviors, which includes going to the bathroom.
We’re having math and science centers, so I only have half the class while my aide has the other half doing another activity somewhere else in the building. I have five kids at my center, and even though we just had a bathroom break two minutes ago, Angela needs to go to the bathroom. She leaves for the bathroom and is gone for about 10 minutes which is concerning, but when she gets back I ask her if she’s ready to join us and she sits down and agrees.
Not even ten seconds later she stands up, looks at me while she squeezes her legs, and shouts “I NEED TO PEE!” I tell her to run, because most times when a kid grabs themselves and has some enthusiasm in their voice, I dismiss all the rules about hallway behavior and passes just to try and avoid the accident. She doesn’t want to run, cringes, and says she can’t, and then begins to urinate.
It drips down her leg and begins to make a growing puddle on the floor. I continue to tell her to run, but she says it won’t stop. Eventually she runs to the classroom next door to use their bathroom. I shake my head and go to get the bleach spray and paper towels, and try to calm the rest of my class down, who can’t stop staring. Funny thing is they weren’t laughing; we had so many accidents the last two months of school they kind of just got accepted as something that happens.
I start to clean it up, and try to get the kids to rotate to their next group. Angela comes back very wet and I tell her just to stand in the hallway to save face while I try to find her extra clothes. That’s when I notice a trail of urine starting at my classroom and continuing about 30 feet down the hall to the bathroom.
I hold back laugher and tears.
There’s no extra adults in the room next door, but the K5 room has one. I ask the teacher to sit with my current unsupervised class while I try and find extra clothes and clean up the urine. Of course this student doesn’t have her extra clothes here; none of the kids who potty themselves ever do. I ask the teacher next door for extra clothes, but he’s all out. I ask the K5 teachers at the end of the hall, and one of them has some pajama pants. I’m desperate and I take them, since Angela is still standing in the hallway with a plastic bag, waiting for her clothes to change into. I grab some babywipes and give her everything, explaining what to do with dirty clothes, wipes, and clean clothes. She’s certain she doesn’t need the extra clean shoes and socks she does have and assures me she can take care of herself in the bathroom, because (wait for it..) “Oh, I’ve done this before!!!”
Stay tuned for the exciting continuation of “4k Chronicles”
tour de cure! i made it!
Jun 29th
I know this is a week late, but real life and things have gotten in the way. To make up for my absence, I’ll even throw in some PICTURES! How about that!
First off, let me thank all of the people who donated and pledged for this ride. The American Diabetes Association, myself, and Wilford Brimley thank you for your generosity.
That's how he says "thank you"
First off, all those who pledged did in fact make it onto my jersey.
My camera stinks, sue me.
The one on the top is for my mom and mother in law.
Below that, we have Travis, Coffey, Ducksauce, Ed, Semky, and AdamGISWizard. The two corporate logos on top were some matching donations donors were able to swing, so they matched the contributions and able to double me up right at the end.
Folks, I raised $505 for the ride, and you best believe that I did all 100k of it. My legs weren’t right for the next week; I just wobbled around the house like a newborn deer.
Here’s me sportin’ the jersey before I got all sweaty and unphotogenic.
Wife got some pictures of me at the start line with all the other folks who were doing the 100k and 50k.
Folks, I have to say, I did pretty well. I averaged over 16mph for the entire time, and beat out two teams that were racing together in their own little pelotons. The last fifteen miles were not so much fun as they were all uphill and into the wind, and it’s really discouraging to look at your speedometer and see that you’re going 7mph.
Once again, thank you all for your support, and look for me to be fundraising again next year!
And now you can start commenting on how awesome I look in bike shorts.
saturday saturday saturday
Jun 15th
I know I’ve bugged you all about this before, and I promise that the race is this Saturday, so very soon you won’t have to see me beg you for money any more.
But since I have limited time left, PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE donate!
Click here, click the Tour de Cure on the nav bar above, click the meter over on the left, click just about anywhere on this page. They all take you to the same place, which is the page where you can use your credit card to donate online (fancy, I know).
You all have been freaking fantastic in helping me hit my original goal, which was $300. Since then, I’ve decided to go nuts and raise it to $500, but I’m not forgetting that I already hit my goal thanks to all of you.
So far, my honorable list of donors (links included when applicable):
- Semky
- Travis
- Ducky the Daff
- My mother in law Barb
- My mom Suzanne
- Coffeypot
- Ed
- Aunt Lauren
- Adam the GIS Machine
All of these folks are getting their names and URLs on my jersey, which I’m designing right now. But don’t worry! There’s room for your name too.
I’m also working on a prototype jersey that will allow people to click on the URL’s on my shirt and it will take them to your webpage, but I don’t think I’ll like being poked that much.
Last chance folks! Let’s do this!
good morning miss bliss
Jun 8th
A friend of mine, oh let’s call her Liiska, recently sat next to a celebrity on a plane from Milwaukee to New York. For our age group, this particular celebrity will always bear a special place in our hearts, even though his acting career has completely fizzled, unless you count the odd pornographic movie and terrible standup routine.
Liiska was not sitting in first class. She had a window seat back in coach. That means that said celebrity was sitting in the middle seat of the row. In coach. That’s gotta be hard on the ego.
At this point, you may be wondering if I’m playing it fast and loose with the definition of “celebrity, and that is a fair question. Indeed, this whole story may have seemed suspect if Liiska had not gotten photographic proof:
Yes, that’s right, it’s Dustin Diamond. Better known as Screech to anyone who was alive during the 90′s.
If I was sitting next to Screech on a plane, I would be so excited, so excited, so….scared!
drop the dime on it
Jun 3rd
Scene: a dead body is sprawled facedown on the sidewalk. Yellow police tape cordons off the area. Two detectives are squatting down near the body talking to the medical examiner. A witness says that the victim was walking down the street when a car came around the corner, hit the person, and drove off in a hurry.
A uniformed cop comes up and says, “Detectives, we found a call placed from the payphone across the street at the same time our victim was murdered.”
The detectives trade a knowing glance: this is no accident.
Can you spot the error in this scenario? It’s quite obvious when you look for it.
Where the hell do they still have payphones?
Maybe I just live in a city where they have removed them all, but I haven’t seen a payphone for years. I haven’t had to carry change around since sophomore year in high school when I needed to call home after soccer practice.
Quick: your cellphone is dead, and apparently all the normal landlines around you are, oh I don’t know, covered in ants or something. Where is the nearest payphone for you to make an emergency call to your favorite take-out Chinese place? You don’t know, do you?
I used to laugh at old folks who thought making a call from a payphone cost a dime. I’d scoff and shake my head and say, you fools, it costs 25 cents now. Then they went and upped it to 35 cents, and frankly I hated that you had to have a dime and a quarter because I never had a dime. Then apparently it went up to 50 cents, but nobody cared anymore because it was easier to ask your friend who had rich parents that gave them a cell phone.
Remember that phone they had? It was the size of three Snickers bars taped together, with an antenna that was about the size of the one on your car, and had a screen that was capable of only showing grayscale numbers. But it was so freaking cool and you were jealous.
The only thing payphones are used for now are cliches in crime dramas, and now that “Law & Order” is off the air, hopefully even that one will go away.
Scene: the uniformed cop comes up to the detectives and says, “Detectives, we traced a call to a Skype account on an iPhone in a mobile hotspot not far from here!”
nerd humor
May 26th
What if Sauron had a lazy eye?
You remember Sauron, right? From Lord of the Rings? The really bad guy that had a giant eye in his tower?
Aragorn: “Is…is he looking at us?”
Gandalf: “Shit, I can never tell.”
Gandalf: “Frodo, as you cross into Mordor, be careful to not let the gaze of Sauron fall upon you!”
Frodo: “Dammit Gandalf, I can’t ever tell what he’s looking at anyway, how am I supposed to know?”
Sauron: “Hello little hobbits, I see yo-…damn, wait…great. Now I’m looking at France.”
Sauron: “Is there anything I can do?”
Eye doctor: “Well I can put a patch over your good eye so the weak one becomes stronger.”
Sauron: “I…only have the one eye.”
Eye doctor: “Oh, well in that case do you at least have an army of orcs to do your bidding for you?”
Sauron: “Yes!”
Eye doctor: “Really? Wow, that’s impressive. You must get up very early in the morning.”
getting too close for comfort
May 24th
Alright folks, it’s getting closer and closer, and I’m still short of my goal. I wanted to raise $300, and right now I’m only about 2/3 or the way there.
I want to give a big hell yes shout out to those who’ve pledged so far, and here they are:
- Semky
- My mom and mother in law (sadly they do not have a URL)
- Daffy the Ducky
- Coffey
- Ed
I have an entire jersey to fill up with names and pictures and URL’s and advertisements (if you have a product, let me know) and right now I pretty much have the left sleeve and part of the back covered.
Even if you just throw $5 into the pot, I will give you my eternal thanks and plug the crap out of whatever it is you want me to plug.
Shut up Ed, I know what you’re thinking.
Just go over to my pledge page or click on the link in my nav bar. You can use your credit card online, your name shows up in the fancy little scrolling marquee thing, and you’ll have a happy warm feeling all day today.
If you have something that you’d want to auction off for a giveaway or anything like that, please contact me and let me know. I’m desperate and willing to do (almost) anything to get to $300!
