Badly Drawn Monsters

My Wife is a teacher, and if she had a blog she would have far funnier stories than I do. However, if she had a blog, she would probably get fired, because it’s kind of mean to make fun of four-year-olds and that’s apparently against the rules. I like my wife being employed, so I don’t bring it up much (read: “ever”) here. She has the patience of a thousand suns, and I’m not even sure what that means but I assure you it’s true. I couldn’t do her job (i.e. managing twenty-plus four-year-olds) if they were all on leashes.

The thing about 4k (four year old kindergarten, to those uninitiated) is that the kids can be at drastically different levels; some can read Tolstoy and some are showing up in diapers. What’s more is that some parents think their kids can read Tolstoy, but should in fact be wearing diapers. This becomes evident when they crap their pants three times a day and use “War and Peace” as a hat. Often parents don’t want to see an issue with their kids (which is totally understandable and I get it) but when your kid gets his pants sent home in a plastic bag every day for a week, YOUR KID IS NOT POTTY TRAINED. They might be experts as using the practice potty at home, but they don’t have those in school.

All this is a leadup to my next point: if you ever send a kid off to school, please make them practice using a public restroom. This is not something that teachers should have to teach, especially these days when you can get sued for everything. Can you imagine the terror a little boy must feel when confronted with a urinal for the first time, and how terrified the teacher must feel explaining how to use it?

Bathroom etiquette is an essential life skill, and I feel that it should be taught at a young age. There is nothing that can kill your promising career faster than making a restroom faux pas in front of the CEO of your company. Unfortunately, any list that I would compile would be completely devoid of information for half of my readers, so I have enlisted the help of Shine to fill in the blank spaces. Yes, you read that right, Shine and I combined our twisted brains and created a list.

You have been warned.

Here is our guide to help all those restroomically challenged. Don’t say we never did anything for you.

Bathroom Etiquette for Both Men and Women

Do wash your hands. Even if you think nobody is watching, if everyone is following the first rule it means that the restroom is quiet and everyone can hear if you washed your hands or not. If you are in a restroom that is noisy, that means that it is a high-traffic restroom and you should absolutely wash your hands. If you scoff at this rule, you are a terrible human being and are likely responsible for the spread of swine flu in your office/home. Your coworkers thank you in advance.

Don’t talk on the phone. It’s fine if you want to do this at home, but in a public restroom? Please keep phone conversations to a minimum. I’d hate for you to drop your phone in the toilet.

Do flush the toilet or urinal. Every time. There are no exceptions to this rule. The automatic flush didn’t work? Use your hand, elbow, or foot. Remember, if you’re following the first rule, this isn’t a problem.

Don’t make noises that express your relief. Yes, we know, we’ve been there too, but please follow the first rule and keep vocalizations to a minimum. Plus, it is incredibly awkward to be standing next to someone who sounds either way too happy or way too frustrated. Moaning, grunting, sighing, and anything similar is not allowed. Exception: if something is truly epic.

Do courtesy flush. You may have enjoyed your 2 pound burrito last night, but let’s not savor this particular moment. In fact, let’s do the opposite of savor and just make this moment end as soon as possible, so go ahead and flush twice.

Don’t take a stall or urinal right next to another person if there exists the possibility of leaving a spacer.
Exception: if your goal is to be creepy and make everyone uncomfortable around you.
Additional Exception: if you plan on playing games. But technically you should tell the other person in advance. Plan ahead!

Do exit the room as soon as possible. This isn’t a bar, so don’t hang around and discuss things that you can very easily discuss outside the room. Likewise…

Don’t stick your head under or over stalls. Seriously, you think that this would be common sense, but apparently some people were never taught that if you look under a stall door it’s a good way to get skullkicked.

Do make sure there’s plenty of toilet paper before you begin your business. Asking under the stall or doing the pants-around-your-knees waddle to another stall is a no-no, especially at the office.

Don’t talk about your friends/boss/coworkers/boyfriend/girlfriend. You never know who might be lurking in the next stall. Of course, if your significant other is lurking in the next stall, there exists a strong possibility that one of you is very much in the wrong room. Just to be safe, hide in the stall until the end of the workday, and then make your escape.

Men Specific Rules:

Don’t have conversations in the men’s room. It is OK to talk, but your sentences must be limited to no more than 2, and you may only make statements or questions that result in one word answers. Example: “How are you doing?” “Good.” You are not allowed to ask questions that require a lengthy response. Example: “Can you tell me how to use Outlook?” This is bad form.
Jay Rule: If two person’s are on the same “footing” (urinal, sink, standing in line), and you actually know and have a relationship with the person you’re next to outside of the restroom, it is acceptable to speak. Word of caution however: you may still be making other people in the restroom uncomfortable with your vocalizations.

Do use the mirror to make sure your shirt is tucked in, your tie is straight, and you don’t have that thing where you splash water on your crotch when washing your hands. It’s the men’s room, not the slob’s room.

Don’t drop your pants all the way to your ankles at the urinal. Granted, this step is more for beginners, but there is nothing to be gained but complete trouser removal. Unfortunately this very, very critical piece of information might not be taught to boys if they are in a female-only household, and there is always one kid in grade school who does this until 4th grade. Don’t be that kid.

Women Specific Rules

Don’t leave your feminine products for others to enjoy. Trust me, no one wants to look at your used tampon.

Do manage to keep your business (both the liquid and solid variety) in the actual toilet. Getting it on the floor is unacceptable. You’re a girl, for cryin’ out loud. It’s not like you have to aim that far. Unless you’re at a particularly skanky club and you don’t want to get anywhere near that toilet seat. In which case, go ahead and pee on the floor; everyone else probably has.

Don’t talk to your business. This isn’t Austin Powers. No one wants to listen to you sweet talk your poop. Or your grunting for that matter. I was once in a bathroom at school and the woman in the last stall was literally crooning and grunting at her poo. It was horrifying. Horrifying in that I couldn’t laugh and I had a really hard time holding it in. I got a cramp.

Do use the first stall. It’s nearly always the cleanest.

Don’t smear your feminine products all over the stall or floor. You’d be surprised at how many times I’ve found this in a bathroom. I don’t understand the entertainment value of making the bathroom stall look like Carrie at the prom.

We hope you have found this guide helpful. Remember to teach your young these habits early, because then the only thing holding them back is their intelligence.