getting too close for comfort
May 24th
Alright folks, it’s getting closer and closer, and I’m still short of my goal. I wanted to raise $300, and right now I’m only about 2/3 or the way there.
I want to give a big hell yes shout out to those who’ve pledged so far, and here they are:
- Semky
- My mom and mother in law (sadly they do not have a URL)
- Daffy the Ducky
- Coffey
- Ed
I have an entire jersey to fill up with names and pictures and URL’s and advertisements (if you have a product, let me know) and right now I pretty much have the left sleeve and part of the back covered.
Even if you just throw $5 into the pot, I will give you my eternal thanks and plug the crap out of whatever it is you want me to plug.
Shut up Ed, I know what you’re thinking.
Just go over to my pledge page or click on the link in my nav bar. You can use your credit card online, your name shows up in the fancy little scrolling marquee thing, and you’ll have a happy warm feeling all day today.
If you have something that you’d want to auction off for a giveaway or anything like that, please contact me and let me know. I’m desperate and willing to do (almost) anything to get to $300!
everything i need to know
May 21st
As you may or may not know, Wife is a four-year old kindergarten teacher.
Hmm, that sounds kind of odd, let me rephrase: she is a kindergarten teacher for four-year-olds.
Much better.
She’s been at the same school for two years now and has had, oh how should I put this, a wide range of intellectual prowess in her students.
In the beginning of the year, a lot of children haven’t been away from home for any length of time and have trouble with concepts like “crapping in your pants is bad” and “peeing in the middle of the hallway is not allowed.” However, about half the class is already able to read and she has a lot of really bright kids.
Even the smartest of children can still be a dumbass when they’re four.
This week, Wife had a student chew a hole through his shirt. I’m not sure if he was trapped inside his shirt and he had to use his teeth to chew a path to freedom or what the case might be, but I’m sure he had a good reason for it. Perhaps he suffers from a disorder that causes his incisors to grow like a rodent’s, and he couldn’t find a nearby block of wood to chew on.
In the same day, Wife had another student get his head stuck in a chair. Of all the life skills that someone can screw up, you should be able to sit in a chair without protective headgear. I offered to draw him a diagram of how to properly utilize a chair and minimize risk of injury, but I was voted down. Getting his head extracted from the place where normal people put their butt resulted in some bruising to his face, which I hope serves as a reminder the next time the child is faced with a furniture dilemma.
Wife also has one student this week who came in wearing a pair of white gloves. When she asked why he was wearing white gloves, he said it’s because he’s Mario. And then he proceeded to jump around the room like Mario trying to get coins out of a ? box. When the student was advised that he couldn’t wear the gloves during class, he threw a tantrum. They reached a compromise that allowed him to wear the gloves during lunch and recess but not during class. It seems as if this kid never takes these gloves off, because after a couple days, they are no longer close to white. They’re now a much more realistic color for an actual plumber whose hands might spend all day in poopwater.
Wife is a saint for even being a teacher in the first place; I think I would have snapped long ago. She’s even sad that she only has 17 more days of class and that all her kids are leaving.
Even the one who got his head stuck in a chair.
practice makes perfect
May 19th
“I can’t seem to get in, it keeps telling me the password or username is wrong.”
“Sir, I can see that you spelled your last name wrong, that’s why it’s not working.”
“Well, how do I spell it?”
“…it’s your last name, sir…”
“With an ‘n’ at the end?”
“…it’s your last name.”
“Ok, that worked. Huh, wonder why it didn’t before.”
“Me too.” *
* I was referring to his brain.
I know you don’t come here for this kind of thing, because when I tend to write things that aren’t funny I tend to lose readers, but please bear with me, it’s short I promise.
Ducky over at Batcrap Crazy recently had some hard times with her family and medical problems. I’m not going to elaborate here because it’s not my place, but stop by her blog and wish her the best.
Life throws unexpected things at us. I’d like to think that if life gave me lemons, I’d make some fine lemonade out of it and spike it with sweet tea vodka. But if life threw lemons at someone I loved, I don’t know how I’d handle it.
Don’t let a chance go to tell those whom you love that you do.
temporal awareness
May 18th
The customer is not always right, at least when it comes to indisputable facts:
“I’m sorry to bug you, but I can’t remember any of my passwords this morning. Just seem to forgot all of them; it’s really a Monday morning so far.”
“Actually sir, it’s a Tuesday.”
“…dammit!”
I almost didn’t tell him, he sounded so sad.
It’s little tidbits like this that keep you coming back.
would have rather had a souvenir shotglass
May 17th
Even though Travis isn’t doing a Memoir Monday this week, I’ll pick up the slack and write about yet another spring break vacation that was oh so much fun. After awhile, I stopped even going on spring break because no matter where I went, it seemed to end in some sort of disaster.
I wrote the first one a long time ago when I started this whole blogging thing, so if you want double the Memoir on your Monday (as well as if you want to make fun of my writing skillz from awhile back) go ahead and click on that as well. If you can’t handle the double dose, just keep reading like you normally would.
Sophomore year of college, I my roommate was dating a girl from Houston, Texas. She convinced us to go to Houston on spring break, and then drive down to Padre Island for a couple days. This sounded better than staying in Wisconsin, so we agreed and hastily bought tickets.
First of all, let me just say: Houston sucks. I’m sorry if you’re from Houston and take offense to this, but go live somewhere else for about 5 minutes, and you’ll realize how much Houston sucks. Trust me, 5 minutes is all it will take.
Second, she got us hotel rooms in Padre Island, not SOUTH Padre Island, where the party actually is. Padre Island National Seashore is a stretch of beautiful coastline (if you like medical waste and globs of oil/tar in your sandcastle) but there is very little drinking, carousing, or carrying on.
Third, the girl from Houston made it sound like it was really close to Padre Island. It is not. Per Google maps, its about 400 miles, and 6 hours of driving. And at least the part of Texas we drove through was flat and boring. There were actually signs that said “Last Gas for 100 Miles,” and when you stopped to get gas at these places, they sold handguns in the impulse racks near the register.
“Yeah, I got $20 on pump four…I’ll take the bag of Nacho Pretzel Combos….oh, and that Glock 9mm you have on sale.”
Fourth, my roommate and his girlfriend really didn’t get along all that well, so I spent 800 miles round trip listening to them fight.
So eventually, we got down to Padre Island, and as we come into town, she sees a Whataburger. Being a Yankee, I have no idea what a Whataburger is, but she goes on and on about how good they are. I’m easily convinced to get whatever special type of burger it is that they have.
Worst mistake of this whole ill-conceived vacation.
This burger gives me the worst food sickness I’ve ever had. Hell, it was the worst sickness I’ve ever had regardless of causation.
I spent two days borderline comatose in a crappy hotel bed, unable to eat, drink, or look at any sort of food or liquid. My skin was actually bruising anytime something touched me. If I slept on my side, my entire side would be bruised. When I managed the strength to shuffle downstairs and get a smoothie, the space between my toes where my sandals and the bottoms of my feet were bruised. If I looked to hard at the ceiling, the back of my eyeballs would bruise.
I left the hotel room for a little bit one day because my roommate and his girlfriend were getting really upset with me for never leaving the room which they wanted to use for other purposes. I was sitting on a bench near a small park, and some nice migrant workers came by and wanted to take me to the hospital because apparently I looked like a plague victim. I had to use all my limited Spanglish to avoid getting abducted and sent off to a quarantine zone.
Never have I wished for spring break to be over as much as I did that year.
Eventually we made it back to Houston, which made me kind of nauseous all over again but in a different way. When we got back to school, it took me about two weeks to feel back to normal strength.
I didn’t get any souvenirs from this little jaunt down to Texas, but at least now I have gained an undying and burning hatred of Whataburger, so I did come back with something.
just guessing
May 13th
First one from today:
“Why is my account locked out?”
“Because you typed in the password wrong.”
“Why did I type it in wrong?”
“…Dyslexia?”
Second one, overheard:
“Darlin, if your computer isn’t connected to the internet, it isn’t going to get online!…..No, the internet is not in your computer…”
Gotta love explaining the basics of decades-old technology
Third one today:
“I’m going to uninstall Yahoo! Messenger on your computer because it might be causing your performance issues.”
“Oh, don’t uninstall that, I need it!”
“Um, you do? It isn’t an approved program to have on your computer, you know. How do you use it for work?”
“If I don’t get to talk to my friends while I’m working, I might snap, an’ then I won’t get any work done!”
“OK, we’ll just leave that program alone for now.”
Fourth one, calling a user back who I previously told to clean all the excess toner dust out of their printer so it would stop putting marks on all the pages:
“Just checking in with you, did you manage to get those rollers cleaned off?”
“I thought you were going to do that.”
“Um, no sir, I asked you to go ahead and do that.”
“Well, I’m not sure I know how to do that, can you just come down here and do it for me?”
“Sir, you’re in Kentucky, I’m in Wisconsin…”
“Someone else then?”
still waiting on that x-wing
May 6th
Recently I was at a wedding reception, and someone at our table had some inane question along the lines of “who was that band had that one song with the lyrics, ‘dances in the sand?’” No fewer than four people pulled out their various smartphones, iPhones, or Blackberrys and began searching for the answer as fast as their 3G connection would allow.
And then it hit me: when did the future get here?
We have technology that people could only dream of in Star Trek, with their little tricorders (what three things it record, anyway?) and their little communicators. We’re a transporter away from being able to do everything they did in that show. However, we seem to use our futuristic technology for far more prosaic reasons.
For example:
- Captain Kirk flips open his communicator which makes that beeping noise and says, “Scottie, beam us out of here, the giant lizard is about to eat us and I have the power crystals!”
- My friend flips open his phone, presses push to talk which makes that same beeping noise and says, “Hey everyone, free churros in the cafeteria!”
or…
- Bones scans somebody’s abdomen with a handheld device and says, “Looks like they have an alien parasite changing their DNA!”
- My friend uses his handheld device and scans the barcode for “Making Tofu Fun: 20 Easy Recipes” and finds out it’s $2 cheaper on Amazon than in the store.
or…
- The Jetson’s have a flying car that drops people out of little pods and deposits them at their various and sundry destinations.
- My Chevy Cavalier still sucks.
OK, so we’re still working on that last one. But has anyone actually considered how incredibly easy it would be to die in a flying car? Most of the ninnies on this planet right now can’t even drive one that stays firmly on the ground.
And maybe I’m biased, but something you never see in the future is stuff breaking. Oh sure, the evil aliens from another planet hacked our computers and put a virus in there that shut down the global defense network. This usually requires the computer geeknerd hero to sit at a computer with a monitor that takes up the entire wall, who types frantically with sweat on his forehead and wire-rim glasses sliding down his nose. When he completes the firewall to block the aliens, he pushes his chair back with his arms raised in triumph.
You know how that scene would go in real life?
“Sir! The aliens are attempting to hack into our systems!”
“Log into the security database and stop them!”
“Crap….crap…dammit, sir! I tried my password three times and it locked me out!”
“Where’s the number for tech support, you need to call them and have them unlock your account and reset the password!”
“Hello, Global Defense Tech Support, how may I help you?”
“I locked my account out, can you help me! It’s an emergency!”
“Sir, is your caps lock key on?”
“….DAMMIT!”
And by this time the aliens would have landed and Joaquin Phoenix would have to hit them with a bat.
Somehow the future also seems to have no concerns about food. In the future, we’ve figured out a way to make edible food out of nothing. You just tell the little computer what you want, and it somehow just pops up out of thin air. Actually, check that, we have fast food, which is pretty much the same. I guess science is close to solving this one.
Across the spectrum, the future is portrayed as a place where we’ve figured out ways to solve all of our trivial problems, which leaves humankind free to pursue and ponder life’s great mysteries. In reality, our miraculous inventions simply extend our currently triviality into another arena.
The Internet allows us to communicate instantly with anyone on the globe! Scientists long ago thought that this would usher in a new era of communication and understanding among global communities, thereby reducing war and conflict and bringing about world peace. In reality, the Internet has allowed global communities to extend their existing conflicts into cyberspace.
In historical terms, think of Columbus discovering the New World. He found a place (well, at least promoted the heck out of a new place) that had untold treasures and rewards. European nations boggled at the potential advancement this could offer. Instead of breaking down barriers between European countries and bringing about a peaceful era of cooperative learning and discovery, it instead created a new place for European countries to fight in and fight over.
Regardless of the advancement in technology and discovery, human nature remains the same today as it was thousands of years ago. Technology won’t ever solve our problems because technology and science are never inherently good or evil.
If only Luke had a lightsaber, that movie would have been a lot shorter.
And I bet there were probably a couple Jedi out there that didn’t read the manual and had to call tech support after they sliced off a finger
“Lightsaber Tech Support, how can I help you?”
“Yeah, so I um, turned the thing on, and it made a noise, and then it did some things and now my finger is on the floor, should I try to reboot it?”
“Hang up and call 9-1-1.”
“Should I unplug it first?”
“Hang up and call 9-1-1.”
“They said that unplugging it without shutting it down would be bad, and I don’t want to have to get a new lightsaber.”
Which brings me to my final point, and the reason why this blog even started, lo two hundred posts ago: no matter what technology is available, humans excel at finding ways to break it.
It’s what we do.
And why I’m employed.
what exactly are you protesting?
May 5th
I went to the University of Wisconsin-Madison, which anyone will tell you is a pretty liberal place. I consider myself a moderate, and probably overall a left-leaning moderate, but living there made me feel like a fringe conservative lunatic at times. I’ve never listened to Rush, but I’ve also never listened to Sen. Stuart Smalley, because ijiots at both ends are ruining America. I digress…
For two years, I lived next to the college Planned Parenthood clinic. It was in the middle of a residential block, and if you weren’t looking for it, you probably would never have seen it. It pretty much just blended in with the other buildings and houses. It was a pretty small clinic and had odd hours, so it was usually pretty busy when it was open, and there was occasionally a small line of people waiting outside for it to open.
This particular building only existed for one reason: prescribing birth control. On a campus with thousands of young people, they fulfilled a vital function.
Imagine my surprise one morning when I walked past and there were protesters outside facing the building with signs. I kind of stared and shook my head, especially since Planned Parenthood hadn’t even opened yet. Yes, that’s right, they were protesting an empty building with no audience at all. Guess they didn’t check the hours before they planned the protest.
On my way back from class several hours later, they were still there. Only now, the building was open and there were people going in and out. I decided to walk by the protesters and see what their signs actually said. One lady was holding a sign that said, “I regret my abortion,” and another man was holding a sign that said, “Abortion is sin.” This actually made me stop and stare at them for a moment while I gathered my thoughts on what to say to them.
Regardless of your stance on abortion, these signs made no sense. They were protesting a clinic who’s sole purpose was to avoid pregnancy in the first place. These protesters should have been giving out high fives and cheering.
If they were protesting morality or promiscuity, that would have made more sense for them to be standing there (note: I am not commenting on whether or not this is something worth protesting, but at least the forum would have been correct.)
The two people with signs were still staring at me, waiting to pounce on me with whatever prepared speeches they had. I looked at the lady with the sign and said, “You do realize that they don’t do abortion here? Birth control only, right?”
The look in her eyes could only be described as confusion. She was trying to think of something to say back to that. The guy with the sign next to her stammered the start to a sentence or two, and then they both looked away and stared at the building again. This actually made me kind of sad, because I kind of wanted to know what they actually thought they were doing there.
My point to this whole story?
Whatever stance you take or belief you hold, there will be an asshat who will disagree with you just because they like being an asshat. They will think they know what’s what, but they really don’t know their hole in the ground from a fact, and they’re very good at yelling and making signs.
Don’t be an asshat. That’s not to say you can’t disagree, but PLEASE KNOW WHAT YOU’RE TALKING ABOUT BEFORE YOU TALK. If you can’t do that, just go run for office and make stuff up.
tornado alley roundup roundup
May 4th
Did you know how flat Illinois is? And did you know that with all this flatness, they decided to grow soybeans? And did you know that nobody in that state knows how to use cruise control?
So I made it down to the Lou about the time that the rest of the group was already at the Arch. Ducky, Coffey, and Ed all went up to the top to see if they ran from one side to the other if they could make it move (answer: it looked pretty stable to me on the ground.) As I was crossing the river in my car to make it to the arch, I got stuck in a traffic jam on the bridge. This allowed me to feel how wobbly a bridge actually is, and to see Travis waving at the bottom of the Arch. Kid Funk doesn’t believe me that I could see him, but trust me, Travis is visible from some distance away.
Howdy, y'all
So I got to meet up with everyone that I’ve only been talking to online for a year. This is the fun part where you get to compare what you have in your head to what people are really like. Travis was much more soft spoken than I thought, and about as much fun as you’d expect. The Missus is perfect for Travis, which is a nice way of saying…well you’ve read his blog right? She can deal with that. Kid Funk aka Kinman aka Popped Collar (not really, just to the hotel desk clerk) is the guy you want to go drinkin with.
Coffey, The Missus, and Travis play with fish
I started calling Coffey “Blue” because he was like Blue from Old School in our group. Ex-Navy and rollin out with the crew, he had a joke for everything. Ed was unfortunately tasked with wearing a Duke hat all weekend, and probably put out the best running tweet of our conversations at lunch. At that point, I was laughing my ass off from what people were saying, and then even more reading what Ed was writing about us as it was going on.
Ducky was trying to remain incognito on the internet, but unfortunately we have pictures of her, so that is out the window. I also have a video of her telling a southern fried joke, but I’m still deciding on posting that. ”I called him Precious.” I require bribes and or threats to either post it or not. Ready, go!
"Um, I'm a duck, shut up."
Anywhatsits, between being the only people in the restaurant (and being glad because our discussion was probably much too loud and borderline), buying liquor at a mall, drinking in the pool with the cast of Jersey Shore (no, not really, but they were probably auditioning for “Jersey Shore: Arkansas” next month), and hanging out at Leclede’s Landing (I hope I spelled that right) it was a hell of a weekend.
I drove about 800 miles on this trip without incident. The last block before home? Speeding ticket. The policeman actually felt sorry for me. Didn’t stop him from writing the ticket though.
Someone needs to start planning “TAR 2: Electric Boogaloo” soon.
it makes it better
Apr 30th
This nifty invention really makes me sad that Billy Mays isn’t around anymore, because you know that his version of this infomercial would be EPIC.
I don’t even have words, just…just watch this.
Now I feel bad, because I just made you watch something you can’t unsee.
Before I got married, I got all sorts of advice from people. Nobody told me that farting in bed is a major issue for married couples, and now I’m concerned that I’ve been an awful husband. Not that I’m overly gassy or anything, but now I’m going to worry about it.
I’m not claiming to be a flatus expert, but if your gas requires military-grade filters that can save you from a nerve gas attack, MAYBE YOU SHOULD CHANGE YOUR DIET. Just sayin…
“Honey, you know how I have to wear a charcoal filter World War I-style gas mask to bed after we eat Mexican food?”
“Boy do I!”
“Well I won’t need to wear that anymore! Say goodbye to unsightly gas-mask lines on my face! We’re getting the Marriage Blanket!”
“It’s about time someone came up with a solution to my terrible gas! Now I can eat cabbage and rotten meat, and not disturb my loved ones!”
Also, kudos to the designers of this thing for naming it the Marriage Blanket. According to their website at http://www.bettermarriageblanket.com/ the blanket is perfect for “weddings, anniversaries, birthdays, room mates, [or a] humorous occasion.” It seems to me that giving this as a gift to anyone for any occasion is a good way to get donkey punched.
The website also calls the blanket a “fun solution to a common problem!” Actually, a way more fun solution if you live with someone who has uncontrollable flatus is to get them a Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle Fart Alarm 2000, which yells “cowabunga” every time you let one slip. I don’t know if this exists yet, but it should.
Yet, despite all that, they ALMOST had me wanting to try this thing out. That is until they displayed the price of “three easy payments of $39.95.” That makes this a $120 blanket, and no part of paying $120 for a blanket is easy. It should say “three easy payments of $39.95, and six weeks of buyer’s remorse. You just bought a fart blanket, hahaha!”
I promise you, in a couple weeks, we’ll be seeing infomercials for the new FartSnuggie, “the slanket you can fill with farts without worrying that those around you are judging you. Well, judging you any MORE than someone just wearing a slanket.”
If anyone out there actually gets one of these, please come back here and tell me if it’s improved your life. Just, please, leave out the details.
