Posts tagged dialogue
nerd humor
May 26th
What if Sauron had a lazy eye?
You remember Sauron, right? From Lord of the Rings? The really bad guy that had a giant eye in his tower?
Aragorn: “Is…is he looking at us?”
Gandalf: “Shit, I can never tell.”
Gandalf: “Frodo, as you cross into Mordor, be careful to not let the gaze of Sauron fall upon you!”
Frodo: “Dammit Gandalf, I can’t ever tell what he’s looking at anyway, how am I supposed to know?”
Sauron: “Hello little hobbits, I see yo-…damn, wait…great. Now I’m looking at France.”
Sauron: “Is there anything I can do?”
Eye doctor: “Well I can put a patch over your good eye so the weak one becomes stronger.”
Sauron: “I…only have the one eye.”
Eye doctor: “Oh, well in that case do you at least have an army of orcs to do your bidding for you?”
Sauron: “Yes!”
Eye doctor: “Really? Wow, that’s impressive. You must get up very early in the morning.”
that will be part of the upgrade
Sep 24th
Have you ever been part of a conversation where a couple minutes in you realize that you and the other person are on totally different levels? You think you’re talking about a sandwich you had for lunch and they’re talking about dancing, but you somehow are both using the word “club” and it made sense up until they said something about foam and you said “no, mayo….wait.”
(User is on speakerphone for the entirety of this conversation)
“Yeah, I can’t get the program to open up.”
“What program are you trying to open?”
“The one for the tickets.”
“Okaaaaay….um, what screen are you on right now?”
“The…computer one.”
“OK, yes, the computer screen, what does it say?”
“Nothing, it won’t start the program.”
“Is the screen black and off?”
“No, it just doesn’t say anything.”
“Um, are there any words on the screen?”
“Just the one that says ‘Windows’”
(at this point, I hear someone else walk into room over the speakerphone)
“Excuse me, sir who just walked into the room? Can you tell me what screen she’s on right now?”
“Uh yeah, she’s on the desktop and has Internet Explorer open, it says ‘Page Cannot Be Displayed’ and looks like it won’t connect.”
“Thank you!”
“No problem.” (helpful guy leaves the room, much to my dismay)
“OK ma’am the program you’re trying to get to is a webpage, not a program. Can you tell me the address that you’re typing in?”
“It’s my ticket program, it doesn’t have an address.”
“At the top of the screen, where it says www.something, what is in there right now?”
“I don’t have any www.anything, I don’t see that.”
“OK, at the top of that window, do you see Address and then a big white rectangle next to it? What is in there?”
“Oh yes, I see that. That’s where I typed my program.”
“What did you type in that box?”
“I typed ‘ticket program’ and pressed Go.”
“Ma’am, you need to type the address of the page you’re going to in there, not just the name of what you want, the computer doesn’t know what you’re trying to do. You need to tell the computer the right address so it knows where to go.”
“What address should I put in there?”
“I don’t know. Check with your supervisor if you don’t know what you’re supposed to be accessing and receive some training for your role.”
Ug. Felt like someone kicked me in the chest. That was a 15 minute conversation, punctuated by lots of awkward pauses as I tried to think up ways to ask a question without making her feel stupid and me sound like a jerk.
phonetics are fun
Sep 16th
I will try to type this as close as I can to how it was actually pronounced. My southern readers may have an easier time of this:
“I’mma fixin ta lahwgin toyit an it won’ do”
“…You’re trying to login and it won’t let you?”
“Yea, it won’ go, sayin wron name er paword er some”
“OK, what are you trying to login to?”
“I dunno, the commuta is ova theah”
(Taking a guess that its just the first password she’s having problems with)
“OK, your username should be jsmith, and your password will be capital ‘J’ lowercase ‘s’ one two three four. It will ask you to pick a new password the first time you login”
“Kin I mayk a new wun afda that?”
“…Yes, it will ask you to pick a new password”
“An I kin mayk a new wun?”
“…YES.”
“Is tha awl I need?”
“Besides a speech therapist and a GED, yes.”*
One of the few calls I’ve taken where I’m not actually 100% sure what the problem was, and I hope I fixed what she was asking. Could have been calling in to get the recipe for my grilled lettuce for all I know.
*This line was not actually said.
my bike chain cried out
Jul 23rd
america has three bad judges
Jun 24th
Let me just get this out there right away: I do not like “reality” TV. I have many complaints about it, from being just as fake as anything scripted to the sheer stupidity of some of the concepts, but all in all let’s just say I’m not a fan. I’ve only seen a couple episodes of “Idol”, and even though Gokey was our hometown boy, I couldn’t pick him out of a lineup if you told me which number he was. Between every reality show ever made, I think I’ve watched less than 10 episodes combined.
Last night was the regular summer craptacular lineup, and seeing as how Wisconsin decided to become Miami for the night (really, if I wanted 100% humidity and temperatures over 100 degrees, I would just move there. Right after I stabbed myself in the eye with a fork) I actually watched over AN HOUR of “America’s Got Talent”.
I’ve never seen this show before, so I have no idea if this is what it’s always like, but last night I was not impressed by any of the contestants. After 2 or 3 acts, I started paying attention to how the show was edited to try to give it maximum emotional impact. Upon review, I think they should change the name to “America has a Backstory and a Soundtrack with Questionable Talents, but Only The People Who Win Do”.
I could pick out who was going to advance to the next round about 2.4 seconds into the interview with the person. If there was no soundtrack and no backstory, they would be ridiculed. If there was a soundtrack but no backstory, they would be quirky but not get through to the next round. If there was a soundtrack AND backstory, regardless of whether or not the act was any good, they went through. Clearly the producers only spent time on producing segments for winners, which is really a shame. I want to know how the guy who swung a hammer from his nose chain and used it to break a plate attached to his crotch got to this point in life. I’m sure it’s way more interesting that “well I have a guitar and I play it when I’m sad”.
Here is my script for an entirely plausible act on “America’s Got Talent”:
[open on man sitting in waiting room surrounded by family members]
Man: “I’ve always had this dream of being able to share my talent with the world, and to make people happy. I feel like I have great things that I can do, if I only got my shot.”
[scene changes to montage of family moments]
Voiceover: “John Jacobs comes from a small town outside of Pittsburgh where his family has run the local hardware store for generations. Then tragedy struck the local business:”
John voiceover: “When the ferrets moved in, I couldn’t get them out of the store. There were over 1000 ferrets in the store, and customers were starting to get scared. I had to burn it down to get them all out. Since then, I’ve had to use my unique talent on street corners to earn enough money for food”
[cut to wife in living room]
Wife: “Times are tough, and I know that John has talent in him. I told him to follow his dreams and don’t worry about finding another job. If that means we have to eat cat food and make our clothing out of curtains, we’re all willing to sacrifice for John.”
[cut to John in waiting room again, staring into the distance at the ceiling]
John’s voiceover: “I know that this is my one shot to not have my family starve, and I believe in myself and know I can do it”
[cut to John walking onto stage]
Hasselhoff: “Hello John, what are you here to do for us tonight?”
John: “David, tonight I here betting my entire family’s livelihood on my secret talent.”
Sharon: “Eeh, an wot would that talen be, Jawn?”
John: “I have a really bendy thumb”
Hasselhoff: “Alright, let’s see it!”
[John performs an act that consists of him holding up his thumb and wiggling it back and forth. It is bendier than the average thumb. This is done to the music of "Golddigger" for some reason]
Hasselhoff: “WOW! I can say that I’ve never seen a thumb that bendy! I was just blown away by what you can do on stage! I say you’re GOIN TO VEGAS!”
Sharon: “Jawn, I’m worried tha you don’t hav a full show, but I believe that Merica deserves to see mowr of yer thumb! It’s a ‘yez’ for me.”
Whoever the third judge is: “Well then that makes it unanimous. Pack your bags John, you’re going to Vegas!”
[cut to John exiting stage and entire family hugging while "I Believe I Can Fly" plays in the background. Go to commercial because its been 3.5 minutes since the last commercial break]
May 14th
Can we all just agree that Nancy Pelosi is an idiot?
Either she is too dumb to understand the CIA briefing they gave her, or she wasn’t paying attention when they brought up waterboarding. Either way, not a good thing for the leader of the majority party.
“So Ms. Pelosi, we have the option of using waterboarding as an EIT and it has proven effective when we’ve employed this method….Ms. Pelosi?”
“Hang on one minute, I just got a text message from Susan Sarandon….’lol sue u make me laff’….ok, what was that you were saying?”
“I said that we’ve been using techniques that we’ve found to be legal, but haven’t been used in the past due to their possibly–”
(to someone else) “…no, I think I’ll have the panini for lunch, but no pickles…”
“Ms. Pelosi, please pay attention, this is important stuff, it may come back some day and–”
“Look, can you summarize for me in less than 4 words? I’m really too…busy…to be bothered with Bush policies.”
“Um, no, that would be impossible for me to summarize the CIA’s global strategies on counterterrorism into less than 4 words.”
“OK then! See you next time!”
pinstripes aren’t THAT slimming
Dec 10th
I live in Milwaukee, WI and have been a lifelong Brewers fan. The last time the Brewers made the postseason was 1982, when I was 1 year old. This last year, they made the playoffs again, and managed to win more games than our division rivals the Cubs have in the last four years (combined. Ha, suck it Cubs).
So today they announced that CC is going to sign with the Yankees, and I’m filled with sadness. Not for the Brewers, although signing a big name like him might have actually signaled that pro athletes care about more than money. If you’re a Brewers fan, you’re long used to disappointment. This was the first year that we weren’t an underdog, and it felt kind of strange. The Brewers will keep doing what they do, which is show teams with payrolls two or three times as large that paychecks don’t make you a good team.
No, I’m sad for CC himself. This might sound strange, me feeling bad for a guy who makes WAY too much money for throwing a ball around, but CC is a special case.
CC is a hard-working, down to earth guy. He liked playing for the Indians and the Brewers because he was relied upon and fit in with their ethos of working and being proud of it. The Yankees are a team of people who have “made it” and cashed in with huge paychecks. It seems like everyone who gets a massive paycheck in New York is never the same as they were in other places. I mean, you saw the pictures of A-Rod wearing a freaking scarf to a Madonna concert…do you think that type of personality will mesh well with CC?
Now, I’ve never met the guy, and for all I know CC likes to wear spats and a monocle to watch cricket matches, but from what I’ve read it just doesn’t sound like a good fit from a personality standpoint.
Outside of the personality fit, CC isn’t needed in New York. The Yankees didn’t make the playoffs because their hitting was terrible. A friend of mine who’s a Yankees fan told me: “It’s amazing how no one has noticed that the Yankees’ biggest problem was offense last year, and a lot of their production was from Giambi, who’s gone now. It’s sort of like if the Brewers replaced CC and Sheets with Manny Ramirez.” (thanks for that Amos)
So, why would the Yankees spend a ridiculous amount of money on a player which they could have probably spent to better use in other place?
The Yankees are like a family of noble birth who long ago were rich and important. Now their importance is waning, and they’re trying to make up for it with money.
Don’t like that analogy? Try this one.
The Yankees are like a PT Cruiser: built to look fast while standing still.
And now to please those who liked me re-enactment of Mannheim Steamroller, I offer you the re-enactment of the Yankees boardroom:
“Hello again Mr. Steinbrenner, I’m really sorry that we didn’t make the playoffs this year. Please don’t fire me”
“Oh that’s OK Joe, don’t worry, I’ll give you at least 6 or 7 games to win the division next year. And don’t worry, I have a secret weapon”
“What? Have we solved the team problem of timely hitting? Are we producing talent in the minor leagues that we’ll be able to rely upon in the future?”
“Oh Joe, Joe, Joe, don’t you know anything? The answer to all of our problems is clearly money; we just haven’t spent enough of it yet”
“Um, are you sure? I mean our team always has one of the highest payrolls already”
“Money, Joe, money”
“..and we just spent over a billion dollars on our new stadium…”
“Money.”
“…and our last few high-profile big signings haven’t worked out so well…”
“MONEY”
“…well, OK, if you’re set on it, who are you going to get to address our offensive problems?”
“MOOONNNNEEEYYYY!”
“uh, Mr. Steinbrenner?”
“moneymoneymoneymoney…….money”
(Joe silently backs out of room, closes door)
end scene.
