Posts tagged tech support
practice makes perfect
May 19th
“I can’t seem to get in, it keeps telling me the password or username is wrong.”
“Sir, I can see that you spelled your last name wrong, that’s why it’s not working.”
“Well, how do I spell it?”
“…it’s your last name, sir…”
“With an ‘n’ at the end?”
“…it’s your last name.”
“Ok, that worked. Huh, wonder why it didn’t before.”
“Me too.” *
* I was referring to his brain.
I know you don’t come here for this kind of thing, because when I tend to write things that aren’t funny I tend to lose readers, but please bear with me, it’s short I promise.
Ducky over at Batcrap Crazy recently had some hard times with her family and medical problems. I’m not going to elaborate here because it’s not my place, but stop by her blog and wish her the best.
Life throws unexpected things at us. I’d like to think that if life gave me lemons, I’d make some fine lemonade out of it and spike it with sweet tea vodka. But if life threw lemons at someone I loved, I don’t know how I’d handle it.
Don’t let a chance go to tell those whom you love that you do.
temporal awareness
May 18th
The customer is not always right, at least when it comes to indisputable facts:
“I’m sorry to bug you, but I can’t remember any of my passwords this morning. Just seem to forgot all of them; it’s really a Monday morning so far.”
“Actually sir, it’s a Tuesday.”
“…dammit!”
I almost didn’t tell him, he sounded so sad.
It’s little tidbits like this that keep you coming back.
just guessing
May 13th
First one from today:
“Why is my account locked out?”
“Because you typed in the password wrong.”
“Why did I type it in wrong?”
“…Dyslexia?”
Second one, overheard:
“Darlin, if your computer isn’t connected to the internet, it isn’t going to get online!…..No, the internet is not in your computer…”
Gotta love explaining the basics of decades-old technology
Third one today:
“I’m going to uninstall Yahoo! Messenger on your computer because it might be causing your performance issues.”
“Oh, don’t uninstall that, I need it!”
“Um, you do? It isn’t an approved program to have on your computer, you know. How do you use it for work?”
“If I don’t get to talk to my friends while I’m working, I might snap, an’ then I won’t get any work done!”
“OK, we’ll just leave that program alone for now.”
Fourth one, calling a user back who I previously told to clean all the excess toner dust out of their printer so it would stop putting marks on all the pages:
“Just checking in with you, did you manage to get those rollers cleaned off?”
“I thought you were going to do that.”
“Um, no sir, I asked you to go ahead and do that.”
“Well, I’m not sure I know how to do that, can you just come down here and do it for me?”
“Sir, you’re in Kentucky, I’m in Wisconsin…”
“Someone else then?”
still waiting on that x-wing
May 6th
Recently I was at a wedding reception, and someone at our table had some inane question along the lines of “who was that band had that one song with the lyrics, ‘dances in the sand?’” No fewer than four people pulled out their various smartphones, iPhones, or Blackberrys and began searching for the answer as fast as their 3G connection would allow.
And then it hit me: when did the future get here?
We have technology that people could only dream of in Star Trek, with their little tricorders (what three things it record, anyway?) and their little communicators. We’re a transporter away from being able to do everything they did in that show. However, we seem to use our futuristic technology for far more prosaic reasons.
For example:
- Captain Kirk flips open his communicator which makes that beeping noise and says, “Scottie, beam us out of here, the giant lizard is about to eat us and I have the power crystals!”
- My friend flips open his phone, presses push to talk which makes that same beeping noise and says, “Hey everyone, free churros in the cafeteria!”
or…
- Bones scans somebody’s abdomen with a handheld device and says, “Looks like they have an alien parasite changing their DNA!”
- My friend uses his handheld device and scans the barcode for “Making Tofu Fun: 20 Easy Recipes” and finds out it’s $2 cheaper on Amazon than in the store.
or…
- The Jetson’s have a flying car that drops people out of little pods and deposits them at their various and sundry destinations.
- My Chevy Cavalier still sucks.
OK, so we’re still working on that last one. But has anyone actually considered how incredibly easy it would be to die in a flying car? Most of the ninnies on this planet right now can’t even drive one that stays firmly on the ground.
And maybe I’m biased, but something you never see in the future is stuff breaking. Oh sure, the evil aliens from another planet hacked our computers and put a virus in there that shut down the global defense network. This usually requires the computer geeknerd hero to sit at a computer with a monitor that takes up the entire wall, who types frantically with sweat on his forehead and wire-rim glasses sliding down his nose. When he completes the firewall to block the aliens, he pushes his chair back with his arms raised in triumph.
You know how that scene would go in real life?
“Sir! The aliens are attempting to hack into our systems!”
“Log into the security database and stop them!”
“Crap….crap…dammit, sir! I tried my password three times and it locked me out!”
“Where’s the number for tech support, you need to call them and have them unlock your account and reset the password!”
“Hello, Global Defense Tech Support, how may I help you?”
“I locked my account out, can you help me! It’s an emergency!”
“Sir, is your caps lock key on?”
“….DAMMIT!”
And by this time the aliens would have landed and Joaquin Phoenix would have to hit them with a bat.
Somehow the future also seems to have no concerns about food. In the future, we’ve figured out a way to make edible food out of nothing. You just tell the little computer what you want, and it somehow just pops up out of thin air. Actually, check that, we have fast food, which is pretty much the same. I guess science is close to solving this one.
Across the spectrum, the future is portrayed as a place where we’ve figured out ways to solve all of our trivial problems, which leaves humankind free to pursue and ponder life’s great mysteries. In reality, our miraculous inventions simply extend our currently triviality into another arena.
The Internet allows us to communicate instantly with anyone on the globe! Scientists long ago thought that this would usher in a new era of communication and understanding among global communities, thereby reducing war and conflict and bringing about world peace. In reality, the Internet has allowed global communities to extend their existing conflicts into cyberspace.
In historical terms, think of Columbus discovering the New World. He found a place (well, at least promoted the heck out of a new place) that had untold treasures and rewards. European nations boggled at the potential advancement this could offer. Instead of breaking down barriers between European countries and bringing about a peaceful era of cooperative learning and discovery, it instead created a new place for European countries to fight in and fight over.
Regardless of the advancement in technology and discovery, human nature remains the same today as it was thousands of years ago. Technology won’t ever solve our problems because technology and science are never inherently good or evil.
If only Luke had a lightsaber, that movie would have been a lot shorter.
And I bet there were probably a couple Jedi out there that didn’t read the manual and had to call tech support after they sliced off a finger
“Lightsaber Tech Support, how can I help you?”
“Yeah, so I um, turned the thing on, and it made a noise, and then it did some things and now my finger is on the floor, should I try to reboot it?”
“Hang up and call 9-1-1.”
“Should I unplug it first?”
“Hang up and call 9-1-1.”
“They said that unplugging it without shutting it down would be bad, and I don’t want to have to get a new lightsaber.”
Which brings me to my final point, and the reason why this blog even started, lo two hundred posts ago: no matter what technology is available, humans excel at finding ways to break it.
It’s what we do.
And why I’m employed.
hot tub outlook inbox
Apr 13th
“My email isn’t coming until the day after people send it!”
This is actually a fairly common problem, and nine times out of ten, here’s the problem:
The eagle-eyed among you may notice that the “Today” group is collapsed, which would cause any email to only be visible when it moves into the “Yesterday” group.
I hope I have saved you some trouble if this happens to you. Back to the story…
I remote to the person’s computer so see if this is what she is doing, but no, all her groups are expanded and she can see all of her emails.
“Ma’am, can you show me an email that you didn’t get until the next day?”
“Sure, right here…” and she drags the mouse to an email that was sent on a Tuesday. I remark to her that the email appears to have arrived on time, roughly two minutes after it was sent.
“But I was supposed to get this email on Monday!”
“The user didn’t send it on Monday; they sent it on Tuesday. That’s why you got it on Tuesday.”
“But I need these on Monday! I always get this on Monday!”
“Maybe the sender was late, or maybe they were out on Monday, but they didn’t send it until Tuesday.”
“Well, how do I get Outlook to get the email on Monday?”
“Outlook can’t receive an email before it was created. It is not a time machine, ma’am.”
Finally sinking in, “Oooohhh….”
at least they weren’t frozen
Mar 31st
User: “Yes, we have a bunch of laptops and they’re all locked up!”
Me: “OK, were they all online when they got locked up?” Most of this company’s programs are web-based, so I wanted to find out if their internet connection dropped.
User: “I don’t know, but now we can’t do anything.”
Me: “OK, can you press Control, Alt, Delete?”
User: “No, it’s locked up. We can’t do anything”
Me: “What do you have on the screen right now?”
User: “I don’t know! They’re all in the office and the door is locked!”
Me: “Oh! The computers are locked up in an office and you need a key?”
User: “Yes!”
Me: “…Then why are you calling me? Shouldn’t you talk to maintenance or whoever’s office it is?”
User: “Ummm, errr…”
Who’s got two thumbs, job security, and a migraine?
short one
Feb 25th
This has happened about fifteen times today, with slight variations:
Me: “Can you read the words on the screen to me?”
User: “It’s blue!”
Ugh.
UPDATED:
This day just gets better:
User: “I’m out of columns in Excel!”
Me: “Um, Scroll down?”
User: “Oh! Will that work every time?”
i didn’t know they changed that
Feb 22nd
As usual, this is an actual call from an actual person. I don’t have the ability to make this up:
Her: “I’m typing in my password and it’s not working.”
Me: ”OK, that happens to a lot of people, don’t worry. What are you trying to login to?”
Her: “I need to get my paycheck information. I think it’s because I can’t type a capital seven.”
Me: “Excuse me?”
Her: “How do I type a capital seven?”
Me: “…Do you mean the ampersand symbol?” (&)
Her: “No, like a big seven.”
Me :”…As opposed to a small seven?”
Several beats of silence. I hear typing clicking in the background.
Her: ”Nope, that’s not working either.”
Me: “OK ma’am, I just reset your password. The system will automatically send you an email to the address you registered with, which is firstname.lastname@yahoo.com. You can check that for your new password.”
Her: ”How do I do that?”
Me: “Check your email? How do you normally check your email? This is your personal email address.”
Her: ”I don’t have a personal email.”
Me: “Then how did you register?”
Her: ”I don’t know?”
never to be found again
Feb 3rd
One of the many varieties of callers that we get is “The Automaton.” This type of user is trained to do their job by rote instead of understanding what it is they are actually doing. All they know is that if they click the mouse here and type this word here the computer won’t yell at them.
If any small change to their work environment occurs, this will cause immense mental anguish and angry phone calls.
The following conversation took place when I was able to see the user’s screen. She had recently installed a new program, which added one more program in her Start menu.
“My Outlook is missing! I need to find it!”
“Uh, ma’am, it’s…right there,” as I move the mouse to the correct icon.
“No, that’s not right! I always click on Start, then Programs, and then I move my mouse to the right and Outlook was there!”
“Ma’am, it’s right below your mouse, like a quarter inch down. See? Outlook. When you installed that new program, it slid Outlook down to make room.”
“Well…I don’t like it there! I’ve been trying to do work all morning and haven’t been able to!”
Apparently this issue had derailed her productivity for about 6 hours.
And at no point during that six hours did she find the icon for Outlook, which was DIRECTLY BELOW WHERE IT USED TO BE.
who’s on first
Jan 19th
If you’ve ever wondered why tech support people are cranky, here’s probably the conversation they had right before you called. This is an actual transcript of a conversation between the service desk and end user yesterday:
User: I can’t long in
Tech: What does it say on your screen when you try?
User: ”Locked out” or “invalid password something……”
Tech: Ok, I unlocked your account, please type in your password again
User: What password?
Tech: The password you normally type into this login screen
User: My new one or the old one?
Tech: Did you change your password recently?
User: No
Tech: Type in the last one you used to get logged in
User: I don’t know what that is?
Tech: I’ll just reset it to the default password; use Ab1234.
User: Ok, so Ill type in my old one.
Tech: No, type in Ab1234
User: Ok, I’m in. So what password will I use?
Short and fast one today. I had to work this last weekend so I didn’t get a head start on posting for this week, which is normally how I put out multiple posts that are actually funny.
