Posts tagged wife
everything i need to know
May 21st
As you may or may not know, Wife is a four-year old kindergarten teacher.
Hmm, that sounds kind of odd, let me rephrase: she is a kindergarten teacher for four-year-olds.
Much better.
She’s been at the same school for two years now and has had, oh how should I put this, a wide range of intellectual prowess in her students.
In the beginning of the year, a lot of children haven’t been away from home for any length of time and have trouble with concepts like “crapping in your pants is bad” and “peeing in the middle of the hallway is not allowed.” However, about half the class is already able to read and she has a lot of really bright kids.
Even the smartest of children can still be a dumbass when they’re four.
This week, Wife had a student chew a hole through his shirt. I’m not sure if he was trapped inside his shirt and he had to use his teeth to chew a path to freedom or what the case might be, but I’m sure he had a good reason for it. Perhaps he suffers from a disorder that causes his incisors to grow like a rodent’s, and he couldn’t find a nearby block of wood to chew on.
In the same day, Wife had another student get his head stuck in a chair. Of all the life skills that someone can screw up, you should be able to sit in a chair without protective headgear. I offered to draw him a diagram of how to properly utilize a chair and minimize risk of injury, but I was voted down. Getting his head extracted from the place where normal people put their butt resulted in some bruising to his face, which I hope serves as a reminder the next time the child is faced with a furniture dilemma.
Wife also has one student this week who came in wearing a pair of white gloves. When she asked why he was wearing white gloves, he said it’s because he’s Mario. And then he proceeded to jump around the room like Mario trying to get coins out of a ? box. When the student was advised that he couldn’t wear the gloves during class, he threw a tantrum. They reached a compromise that allowed him to wear the gloves during lunch and recess but not during class. It seems as if this kid never takes these gloves off, because after a couple days, they are no longer close to white. They’re now a much more realistic color for an actual plumber whose hands might spend all day in poopwater.
Wife is a saint for even being a teacher in the first place; I think I would have snapped long ago. She’s even sad that she only has 17 more days of class and that all her kids are leaving.
Even the one who got his head stuck in a chair.
agony of the feet
Sep 8th
I’ve never had good feet, and I don’t mean that I’m bad at dancing, although that is true as well. My feet have been beat up and uglified over my time on this planet. I played soccer for many years, during which I broke every single toe at some point or other except one. Do you know what you do to fix a broken toe? Nothing. You do nothing. It just hurts until it doesn’t anymore.
So I have hobbit feet, after they climbed through the mountains and into a volcano. I’ve grown to accept this, and just leave my socks on at parties. Recently, my feet have started hurting because apparently I also have no arches. My feet are so flat, they make Kansas look mountainous. My feet are so flat, they’re like a 2-liter with the top off for a week. My feet are so flat, they nearly gave Dr. Scholl’s a heart attack (I have like 50 of these, but I’ll stop now).
Last night I was being lazy on the couch with Wife, and my feet were hurting because they’ve actually gone beyond “flat” and are now working on “inverted”. I asked Wife if she could please rub my feet, and believe me I know what kind of request this is considering what she’d have to touch. I was prepared for some bargaining and dealing (“If you rub my feet, I’ll go grocery shopping for the next two weeks”) but being my awesome Wife, she agreed without bartering me up.
After a couple minutes of me moaning all sorts of noises as she did wonderful things to my aching feet, she had enough of my toes. Admittedly, they are the ugliest part, and she felt that she could beautify it. Wife asks me if she can attack my feet with knives and power tools, or in her words “Can I give you a pedicure?”
Quite frankly, I was terrified. I’ve never had a pedicure before, and I didn’t know what was involved with this. I also haven’t had anyone else cut my nails, finger or toe, since I was old enough to learn how to use a clipper. Also, I’m as secure as they come in my sexuality, but if any of my guy friends have ever had a pedicure, they have never told me about it. What if I get one and I like it? Are they addictive? Am I destined to have Korean women chip away at my feet forever? Is this the slippery slope to full mani-pedi’s and martini’s while chatting with my friends with our heads in hairdryers?
All this is racing through my head while Wife is still looking at me. Marriage in an adventure, right? What the hell, let’s do this thing.
She gets out a variety of tools for the job, but I think she only used two of them: clipper and this thing that looks like a letter V on the end of a stick. The inside of the V is sharp, and apparently is used for removing parts of yourself. Any ambiguity on tools and methods is due to the fact that I didn’t see how any of it was done. She shielded me from seeing what was going on with my feet, and quite frankly I wasn’t in any rush to see what horror show was going on down there. I bit my lip and tried not to jump and yelp every time I felt a jab under my toenails, which I didn’t know are one of the most sensitive spots on the human body.
After about an hour (seriously, an hour. Wife is a champ) I got to look at my feet. Or should I say, somebody else’s feet who are now attached to my legs. The only way that my feet could look that human is if she was actually amputating and reattaching a pair of celebrity feet she had in the basement.
Today I’m walking around in my new celebrity feet, and sad that I have to wear shoes at work. I want to put my feet up on people’s desk and say “LOOK AT MY FEET! THEY’RE BEAUTIFUL!” and leave them there until they agree.
P.S. Don’t forget to get me your team name suggestions. We will have the poll this week with your suggestions.
